I can’t count how many times people have asked me to write a book. To which I reply, “I sort of already have.” So here is part of it: that blog I wrote for my family, a fellow adoptee, and a couple friends, as I set off to live in Korea. Circumstances left me few options but to take an opportunity in the land of my birth, and so I found myself heading there at 45 — a lonely, somewhat broken, middle-aged woman.
It was 2009. The year prior I’d never met another Korean adoptee. I’d never entertained visiting the country of my birth or embarking on a birth family search. I’d barely just revealed to my children my childhood abuse. I was grieving the loss of the dance community I’d built, an unrequited love, and other losses. I knew nothing of the culture, the language, the history, or any of the controversy and activism surrounding how I and hundreds of thousands of other Korean children got sent to all corners of the globe. I had woven myself an impenetrable cocoon and never ventured outside its protective shell. I was about as raw as one could be and not be institutionalized. I’d also never written a journal before and, though often awkward, it quickly became my solace, salvation, and — to my surprise — solace for others as well.

A crazy twist in my search, a couple documentaries, activism, art, and far too much introspection threatened to turn me into something I was not comfortable with. At some point, writing for others forced me to think beyond myself, beyond the politics, and beyond identity to something I think is closer to the truth. It was the most harrowing, wonderful thing that could ever happen to a person.
So below is the record of those times – of becoming woke, of being too woke, of going clear, of making peace with what is out of my hands and accepting what I’ve become. I hope you enjoy reading it in it’s now chronological form, (next and previous posts are in red with an arrow at the bottom of each post) in all its glorious honest mess.
Much love,
Suki
- Adoption can ruin the best days
- Asia is a Continent and then some
- The eagle has landed
- Baekyoung High School rolls out the red carpet
- Mi-Young
- Wonju City Hall Birth Family Search
- Welcome
- Jae-Hee
- COPS
- Video of Anyang
- A day of rest
- Response to your comments
- Korea is different
- KBS pre-interview
- Surreal Things
- First day at School
- Notes to Myself
- Today is the first day
- More Random Things
- Losing my mind and everything else
- Walk 40 miles in my shoes – or – the Korean weight loss program
- Eating alone in Korea…
- The first thing to fix Korea is…
- Crab Crane
- Air-borne Hazard
- First Day in the K Classroom
- KBS acting fast
- Kimchee Pot Spitoon
- Freshman assembly among the officetels
- Baekyoung Senior High Freshman Class
- My co-teacher, Pat
- Freshman Boys
- The Washlet
- The Kitchen or operating room?
- So many stairs…
- You can call me Bob
- Security Desk
- Crashing
- Roll with it
- “The most important thing is your face…”
- Butter Spoon
- The Newness Can Stop Now. Please.
- Neighbors and now extended family
- What Identity Crisis
- Into the frying pan
- White Dust
- Kommunicating in Korea
- False Alarm
- Must I Always Be Fighting?
- Is my name Oh?
- Strange Dayz
- Balance
- Korean Packaging
- No salt necessary
- Entrance Strategies
- Yellow Dust
- The magic of beer
- Prayer and Benediction
- Teacher is Mad
- one of the girls classes
- it’s always naptime
- Please speak Korean
- Non co-workers to the rescue
- Comfort Food
- Rebels Together
- Co-teacher
- Critical Mass
- Problem child
- School is Cancelled
- The quest for chim
- Win some, lose some
- Cram School Street
- Incomprehensible
- Things I like about Korea
- Reinforcement
- Racially Insensitive Cultural Moron
- Bundaegi
- Pure as Ivory Soap
- The problem with drinking soju
- What goes up must come down
- Something’s Cooking
- or doctor your chicken?
- doctor yourself?
- Fast Forward
- What’s My Line?
- Seafood
- Perplexing things
- Putting on the brakes
- Images of Anyang S. Korea
- Incorrigible
- Concrete Hives
- Anyang
- Bending Over
- See you. Bye.
- teacher lock down
- Spring is here!
- What the kids say…
- 2009 GePIK New Teacher Orientation
- Foreign Fever
- Anti-Orienting
- Herbs for what Ails Ya
- Fungus & Roots
- Sundae NaeJang
- Inside the Cow
- Seaweed
- Dried Frogs & Peppers
- Fresh Noodles
- Laver
- Sundae
- Things to add to rice…
- Rules to stay human
- Anchovies
- Ginseng
- Shrooms
- Red Hair
- Bounty from the Sea
- Side Dishes
- Stubbornness
- Sea Vegetables
- Pancakes
- Conch
- One dish, eight kinds of alcohol
- Better than bubble tea
- How NOT to win friends and influence enemies…
- Images of Comfort Food
- Korean Take-out
- Western Influence: Good or Bad?
- PSAT, Korean Style
- My New Name
- Life is Beautiful
- Home box home
- Shop ’til you drop
- Happy Sleep Time
- More Pillows
- Cute Sleep Time
- Covered the back of the bookshelf
- Took the bookcase and made it into a divider
- Took the desk cabinet & turned it into a nightstand
- Hid the desk
- Room to breathe..
- Canary
- Random Thoughts
- Teacher has a breakthrough
- Good for what ails you
- What the kids tell me continued…
- Something worth remembering
- When it works
- It’s hammer time!
- View from my Room
- Another day, another market
- Dinner Tonight
- Living Purposefully
- Expert on Korea
- You know you’re getting old when…
- Being female in Korea
- Ready, Set, Go!
- can’t process
- home crazy home ?
- Comment of the day
- Making an evening
- Hidden Treasure
- Random Images from the weekend before
- The palace I didn’t visit
- Getting Around
- Dear Mr. Lee,
- Somebody loves me
- Twice as good
- Folk Costumes
- succumbing to the cuteness factor
- Beyond Shame and Guilt
- Craving
- Today is Children’s Day
- Saturday afternoon in Insadong
- You can have your officetel
- Not ready for prime time
- Don’t know where to file this
- Summer
- Having My Say
- Beasts of Burden
- Winter
- Today’s Comment
- Stress Patterns
- Group Mentality
- Links about Korea
- One can only hope
- Exposed
- For Kelly
- Dispersed and Returned
- For the Kids
- Cover girl
- hope to see you soon
- choirs of angels singing
- Adoption Day Coverage
- Where’s that country in the sky?
- girls to the rescue
- bulldog
- going underground (for Pierre)
- preparing for anything
- going underground 2
- for John
- Why I never get anything done…
- underdog
- I WIN – sort of
- on a bright note
- Alter Ego 1
- YTN
- Teacher’s Day
- family geometry
- It’s a new day
- Alter Ego 2
- Danoje
- wood, straw, rubber, & leather
- Behind the scenes
- Circles of Love Redux
- Girl #4708; The truth of the adoption industry that no one is responsible for
- Shooting my own foot
- Having My Say – For Real?
- bbs
- coups d’etat
- validation
- Encounters
- Better than Real Life
- ridges & hollers
- crane – my patron saint
- totems
- details, details
- Taepyeongso
- 1113
- Not even close
- embracing my color
- SBS to the rescue
- Black Ribbons
- Videos from Danoje
- Spending the night in the Subway
- Book Recommendation
- Gachi
- Eureka!
- Ms. Seol says…
- Be back on Monday night
- I have co-teachers
- Holt unscathed despite suffering of thousands
- Abandonment epidemic
- SBS teaser
- spoke too soon OR one step forward, two steps back
- He with the most pain wins
- Andong teaser
- Left you a comment Molly
- Nothing happened
- outhouses
- Korea Sparkling
- Not in Kansas anymore
- Dog Hanoak
- Sunbonnets & Cushions
- Miracles do happen
- Images from Andong
- How to watch #4709 Who Am I?
- Reports Coming In…
- tsk, tsk, tsk
- Today is the beginning of the rainy season…
- Thank you, Mr. Hogwan
- I don’t want stress
- Happy Hour
- Love for women ———
- Questioning God
- Learn something new every day
- More mystery & theories
- Thank you, Mr. Hogwan, Pt. 2
- So what if I was…
- Thank you, Mr. Hogwan, Part 3
- I haven’t spoken about the weather
- Separated by adoption?
- Life is sweet
- grrr….
- Today’s theory
- Exceptional Korean Food
- The best Korean food EVER
- Typical week
- Atypical week
- random stuff
- Grim Facts
- It’s pouring
- pay attention to me!
- Upside Down Land
- pathetic adoptee
- Today’s randomness
- Random acts of kindness
- winter in the fortress
- Hope and Fear
- Being Invisible
- and yet more random things about Korea…
- gasp!
- What a parking lot says about society
- Today
- bottom dweller
- haggus
- Please Stay
- Romanticizing the past
- dog days of summer
- Pojagi
- No hangovers for teachers
- How many times can you watch?
- Take Me Out to the BallPark
- Approved for Adoption Teaser
- Practical Hints About Your Foreign Child
- Trading Traces
- Dis Place
- Why we do what we do
- This week’s randomness
- SBS Documentary – translated w/ subtitles
- Korean Adoptees for Fair Records Access
- Once upon a time in America
- Reasons to Stay
- bali bali
- hard to be queer
- And the saying goes…
- invisible
- other casualties
- mating season
- Who Am I? The mystery of #4709
- Searching for Kim Sook Ja
- This is what happens when you drink alone…
- Summer is here
- Some Children Wait
- Surreal Seoul
- Why we love rain
- Notes from the Motherland
- Loneliness is a relationship
- Reverse Adoption
- what’s to become of me?
- The Streets of Korea
- Untying Myself
- I can’t draw an Asian face
- Where’s my stripes?
- Even Draw
- Even the handicapped can have virgins
- No instructions necessary
- What I can’t live without
- hate this place
- Clementine
- When boys cry
- shameless
- Protecting myself
- 24 weeks, 6 days
- Spot of shame
- Oblivion
- small world
- shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop
- not possible
- time heals all wounds
- don’t answer the door
- Even better
- changing characters
- the turning tide
- guilty as charged
- research makes me alive
- Incident Report
- Disappearing Seoul
- Happy Holidays
- Finding Home
- substance is random
- Bulguksa
- Seokguram
- Geongju
- Chapter Two
- English is Funny
- Heroines everywhere
- rewards
- Are you in there?
- Is it true?
- The fixer
- still new
- being appreciated
- sign of the times
- We all need a little bit of inspiration from time to time
- waste
- posts lost
- celebration
- things I may never get used to
- things I’ve gotten used to
- I could be happy here
- comfort food
- People Who cannot Leave
- drama, Korean style
- thank you, swine flu!
- Autumn in Korea – 10/21
- adoption psyche
- So it’s official
- Secret Lives
- A room of one’s own
- Q&A
- A Brand New Life
- new posts up at my other blog
- A generation fights to reform adoption laws
- 1111
- National college entrance exam day
- reading material
- The debate over hanok heating up
- Where did my mojo go?
- Big brother is watching you, and Youtube is helping
- Ever forward
- 24.8 degrees
- More thoughts about Mojo
- and btw, Mr. C.
- Nice Dream
- Santokkey – please email me?
- it’s a small town
- It’s Kimjang season
- secret ingredient
- Adoption awareness month and Thanksgiving
- Stop giving us something to blame already
- Now my Visa’s Wrong Too
- The full Korean experience
- we do it for the gravy
- 2565
- Christmas for all families
- Who’s knocking at my door?
- four more months of this?
- please teach me
- Picture Poem
- uri nara
- home basement home
- Anyeonghasayo means, “have you eaten?”
- The new improved Korea
- Dear Leanne
- and then there’s the reality of this…
- Seoul by Streetlamp
- Coming up for air
- climate control
- a humble life
- New Chingus
- The company I keep
- Learning to love Korea
- Turning Korean
- Devolution
- undeliverable as addressed
- forgotten war / forgotten nation
- My life just became a Korean comedy
- It’s not discrimination, it’s just…
- Side dishes
- Seen/heard
- Roots of discontent/path to peace
- I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
- short-circuits
- apples and bananas
- Laying it on the table
- Our gyopo brothers and sisters
- Statement on Haiti
- ginger and jujubes
- thawing out
- Living to be two
- about face
- water, water, everywhere
- Things to like about Korea
- Things to like about Korea post, interrupted…
- nothing to say
- Hungry Ghosts
- A view from the loft
- From black to white
- valentine’s day new year
- A decision has been made for me
- sorry to be awol
- Chapter Three
- Bowing in Korea and other punishments
- Violence
- Still hungry in Korea
- Fresh air from China
- Country life
- 청평고단핰쿄 CheongPyeong High School
- Good Morning
- Speak Korean, damn it!
- missed connections
- Speak Korean, damn it! correction
- I was born…somewhere…
- our secret
- YouTube rejects Korean Real Name system
- digital culture shock
- she seems cool
- 안녕하세요
- the trouble with blogs
- It could be worse…
- Adopting North Koreans
- R&D
- mostly foreign
- Project Runway, CheongPyeong
- I’m so vain
- TRACK’s Joey
- screaming into a bag
- unfortunately, i couldn’t make this stuff up
- Spotless
- Dreaming a world
- Getting the word out
- This language WILL be mine!!!
- This endless winter
- no faith
- Hope for humanity…
- What I really wanted to say
- 3 a.m.
- Spring in my hometown
- escaping the city
- Korea is a state of mind
- worth every second
- everything’s white
- A Collection of One
- The inevitable mistakes of mass production
- impressions on making important statements through art
- Arrirang
- Let it be
- filial piety revisited
- Can I come home now?
- Rejected
- This photo
- forever hungry in Korea
- Take Off 국가대표
- somebody in Switzerland loves me
- A miner’s Arrirang
- Vacation in my backyard
- Aigo…
- back on the horse
- It’s half Korea
- Kanga – fighting!
- It’s not all grim!
- country notes – or knee high by the 4th of July
- it’s half me
- sigh
- It was a good few days
- The installation photoblog
- White dust
- frontward we row the boat again
- on missing the fog
- a day without adoption
- shopping therapy
- The maverick speaks about dual citizenship
- suspended animation
- brainstorming
- oblivion
- the cure
- i am the tree
- intangible
- choose life!
- like the sound of a thousand cicadas screaming
- was adopted
- Korea’s Lost Children
- Cuban cigars and cookie tins
- these tiny hands
- peeling back the onion
- one side of the coin
- the other side of the coin
- more folk art
- unstuck in time
- suggestion
- Two videos of orphanages
- Why don’t you speak Korean?!!!
- some observations for ya
- First Person Plural
- proud mama
- shut my mouth
- roll with it
- breaking through
- no escape
- makkolli infused ramblings
- must see
- beyond culture shock
- temporary overload
- I feel ya
- red, white, blue, yellow
- we approve
- Typhoon to possibly hit Seoul today!
- draft dusted off
- Traditional music for foreigners
- How to make your Prinicpal love you
- Advice to white men removed
- blame it on Korea
- never a waste of time
- 5 things about you
- Where we end up
- 4 a.m. soma
- i love being wrong
- anecdotally speaking
- what the hell
- the kids are all right
- a light sleep
- the best season in Korea
- Better than you Redux
- Insomnia
- truth is stranger than (science) fiction
- dealing with adoption’s legacy
- sprung up from nowhere
- Harvest Moon
- Bo
- Naked Adoption Poetry
- how do you say, “be grateful” in Korean?
- march on the capital
- doldrums
- where has serendipity lead you?
- dinner out
- despair
- keep busy
- today was national sports day
- lifeboat
- many small things
- let the children suffer our secrets
- who’s this girl?
- just another day
- lay your head on this
- Been busy
- getting what I ask for
- just give me an excuse
- spring fever
- I saw you
- apathy
- culture-shock-free weekend
- acceptance and rejection
- minimum / maximum
- posturing with weapons now
- Obstruction of Justice
- Thursdays are awesome
- how can you not have a pen?
- more gravy please
- the fever has broken
- must’ve been destiny
- You don’t know me but
- What Would Harry Holt Do?
- when bad days go good
- I now believe in angels
- Reunion Update
- what mandu can do
- The new high-speed train and driver’s licensing psa
- Peter Fan
- the familiar and the not so familiar
- Dying my roots
- Still on Korean time.
- decompressing
- Apologies
- Against the tide
- Already gone
- life in debt
- you can’t help me
- defuzzing
- checking in
- graduation day
- Hope they will search
- fateless
- same eyes, different world view
- full moon
- It’s a dog’s life
- shoulda been desk warming
- Migook means beautiful land
- Happy Birthday, baby!
- part of history being made
- don’t press that button: look up
- fast or feast
- Better than manageable
- Is there anywhere free of this shite?
- So funny it hurts
- there should be laws against this
- Losing two moms
- This culture sucks
- News from upwind
- Bless the beasts and the children
- Language attempt # 3
- To be Korean
- Selling Education
- drawing the line
- Coming out of the fog in a big way
- mundane stuff
- What color do you want to be?
- brass knuckles
- Slaying dragons
- get on the fun bus
- life is beautiful
- freedom is a state of mind
- These are the days
- been there, done that
- Pacific Northwest People
- happy days
- more malicious compliance
- still here / still very much alive
- the things we stumble upon
- Random observations about Korea
- you get what you pay for
- procrastination
- companionship
- Decisions, decisions
- miracles do happen
- new friends
- ahh, esl education in Korea…
- fatigue
- baybee in the shoebox!
- I kinda have a problem…
- dot dot dot
- birdie
- pacifier – fail
- Supporting Change in Korea, and the cost…
- Another Korean Summer…
- don’t feel like writing
- Adoptee explores food, culture, roots in new PBS cooking series
- a precious Korean princess…made just for you
- Hallucinogenic Orphan Tears
- wet feet
- 5424
- breaking spirit
- How Konglish is born
- We don’t get old, we rust
- water bombs
- happy little clouds
- furry ball of cuteness
- Garden of the morning calm
- Survival Korean 4 U
- school vacations make me want to bash my head in
- At times of upset, some turn to chocolate
- the abyss you love
- bitter pills
- giving my mom a break
- yoh yoh yoh
- easily amused
- 5519
- nothing remarkable happening
- Socialized health care rocks
- my little beast
- Can judgement be color blind? culture indiscriminate?
- Being Swedish is hard
- decomposition
- usher in autumn
- Lazy weekends in Cheongpyeong
- Compassion needn’t traumatize
- Chris is back!
- I can relate
- Harvest time again
- What we care about
- Beacon
- Shhh! Kitty is sleeping…
- Competition
- E-KADS rocks!
- The Korea Bucket List
- Korea changes you
- anarchy and collectivism in the classroom
- A True Story
- Past Lives
- So far to go…
- Don’t you want to fix your face?
- Another National College Entrance Exam goes by, the Korean 수능 tomorrow
- The difference?
- Taking opportunities when they come
- We love ajummas
- Gulpijip 굴피짚
- learning to eat again
- serendipity
- helmet head
- keeping things light
- please stop – your saving is killing us
- It’s all gonna be okay
- SNL Korea rocks!
- A poem by a daughter removed from her mother
- Letting things go
- Two less eyes?
- compulsion
- Meatless in Korea
- What reunions tell us
- landscapes
- grounded
- a year’s not that long, right?
- sign UP!
- The adoptee’s journey
- Moms without partners
- The mother lode
- All of the flavor, none of the fat
- Older adoptees
- Older adoptees Pt.2
- Society’s going to hell
- Two less eyes continued….
- Benny should come to Korea…
- Orientalism
- The title says it all
- Divide and Conquer
- Day of Reckoning
- seams of organic matter
- TPR and immersion
- camptown prostitution
- So close yet so far
- podcast
- Geographies of Kinship needs you
- peasant daughter