Today, like many days, actually began in the wee hours of the morning, where I’m too tired to accomplish anything but too awake to sleep. But with only a few hours until it’s time to get up, it’s pointless to go back to sleep, and so I set my alarm, just in case. And I put off the morning broadcast and let time get away from me so I’ve not enough time to complete it and have to run out the door in order to make it to my desk 1 minute before I’m officially late. Then I’m dragging all day, surviving on a sleep deficit, compounded by a failed attempt to revive with coffee, then put into a stupor with the over-eating required of such a high fiber, high starch, low protein diet supplemented with the forced collective insistence on sharing cookies, pastries, and junk food.
Tonight I sought to fight all the urges to fall asleep the second I got home from school and surfed the t.v., with nothing but superficial drivel as fare, until I finally run past the Indiefilm channel and find myself, yet again, at the tale end of a movie called, “A light sleep.”
The movie is set in contemporary times and about a high school girl and her little sister who are orphaned. Her uncle has a detached dwelling they can live in, but offers no further support. And so, to keep her sister fed, she resorts to prostitution, all the while trying to live/having the hopes and dreams of any young high school girl. And she, too, can’t sleep.
This is the music from the end credits. It’s kind of typical of many Korean movie Original Sound Tracks. It’s romantic and melancholy, there’s often accordion and piano, and it’s kind of dreamy.
That sleepless, hollow eye socket, surreal, dreamy feeling pretty much describes being this alone in Korea. It’s the same feeling I had at 3 and 6 and 17 and 26 and 46.
Sometimes I think this is just my fate. Sometimes I think it didn’t matter where I was sent to or if my life would have played out like the tragic orphan myth had I stayed. Because when all’s said and done, no matter what I do, whatever efforts I make, at the end of the day, it’s still this same lonely sound track, the same timeless lament for lost innocence sound track.