So it’s my debut on a Korean dating site. It’s fun today, but I know it will be less fun in a day or two, and then it will be a chore and then peter out.
How do I know this? Because I went this route one time twice before. The first time was totally unsuccessful. I was very specific and only found one person in America to talk to who lived in MASSACHUSETTS. He did fly out to visit me a year or two later and was/is a very cool guy. (He married someone he met on-line not long after!)
But that was just an email friendship. As far as actual dating, I only tried it once. I recalled writing about it somewhere and wanted to see what I wrote, only to realize I had just stuck my foot in the waters of blogging and had totally forgotten I had a blog! Umm, I crashed not long after that and began this Odyssey, so it’s no wonder I forgot it.
Anyway, here’s the post:
Better than you
October 22, 2006 Feeling the seven year itch (like Spock) a few months ago, I signed up for a one month trial to match.com. I don’t know WHAT I was thinking! If it didn’t work four years ago, why would it work now? What the hell, it’s only a month…
Three weeks later and not even one person contacting me, I begin to wonder what there is about me that is so scarey! Then suddenly there’s activity, just as I’m about to bag it. Which is totally atypical. Essentially the experience had not changed in four years – you meet people who might have read about you, but who apparantly didn’t pass the reading comprehension portion of the SAT’s. Or you meet people who are totally out of their league, exhibiting all the qualities you loathe in a partner. Like insecurity. Like superficiality. Like desperation. Totally underwhelming.
I, in turn, only found a couple people worth contacting. One said I was too old to bear children (people really ARE just searching for breeders!) and one I blew ’cause I was an asshole that day, and the two I was most interested in were smart and had abandoned the on-line quest. So I decided to be smart and abandon it too.
But, sitting there across the table from one of those awkward meetings I had an epiphany:
people are seeking someone better than themselves
I mean, we all have our flaws and weaknesses and attributes. But we seek out people who seem to already be where we want to be. And we dismiss people who are where we’re at. Or below where we think we are. People hope pixie dust will rub off on them, I guess. It’s like social-climbing for self-improvement!
And it’s true. I’m guilty of this. I want somebody sharper dressed, tidier, more balanced, more organized, more passionate, more interesting than myself. Someone I can learn from. (ah, and this has applications for dancing as well) So I meet someone and he sits across the table from me and thinks, she’s more interesting than me – I have to have her. And I sit across from this guy and think, nah, you’re not as evolved as me. Sorry. Next meeting, next person, next table: only this time the tables are turned. The table spins round and round.
I mentioned this to my good friend Felecia, and she nodded in agreement. A few weeks later she tells me how she brought up this idea during party conversation in a room full of gay men. And her friend told her, NO! I want someone NOT AS GOOD as myself, so I can feel superior about something! To which the room full of gay men all nodded in agreement. So now Felecia and I are scratching our heads – is that a man thing, or a gay culture thing, do we represent most women, or are we just at the far end of the independent feminist spectrum? Are men and women thus the perfect compliment to one another? Or is the search for someone less superior to yourself as frustrating as the search for someone better than you? Is this a by-product of women’s liberation? Are women just too successful in their personal growth, so much that it threatens men?
It doesn’t matter, though, does it? In the end, if you want to settle down with one partner, you at some point have to abandon looking for someone better than you, be realistic, and accept (hopefully) your equal. For me, for now, I’m still looking for someone better than me. Because I’m still (not long, though!) young enough to think I have enough time to roll over and recover multiple times. For the short term, I want to be fascinated by someone and yes, have their pixie dust rub off on me. I’m willing to give away all my secrets for a memorable ride – I don’t care how long it lasts.
Ah, those brutal personal economics!
In the meantime, I could use the male equivalent of a geisha for a little escape from my stressful workweek and responsibilities. Someone erudite, easy on the eye, always sympathetic, always sincere, always good company…hmm…
I must say that it’s getting harder and harder to be fascinated with anyone, but that for those under 35, there look to be lots of attractive adventurous people on-line, and it seems a lot less pretentious than American dating sites, though there ARE a few hipster posers…But once again, it’s too bad I’m a decade out of step.
I can see it now: I’ll move back to America and as soon as I leave, Koreans will become less concerned with paper marriages and suffering in misery and a whole new scene of “mature” people wanting to start over will appear. As soon as I leave. Ha ha ha!
3 thoughts on “Better than you Redux”
I tend to be happy that I missed the whole modern dating scene, but I find this idea that we seek someone in a state we hope to achieve interesting.
I was more of a stumbler. The theory being ask everyone out (that’s single anyway) and let the chips fall where they may. It was uh, a mess.
I hope for you the most stunning and pleasant of surprises.
Yeah, I wish I could miss the whole modern dating scene as well, since I really don’t know what a “date” is…and it’s just not interesting when I’d rather develop a crush on someone over time.
It’s not a fun place to have to resort to this method. The kind of stunning surprises I get are not all that pleasant. For example, when replying to one interested person whose criteria was Asian women, I had to point out that maybe we don’t appreciate being valued by our ethnicity first above all other characteristics, and this is the response I got:
So yellow fever is “respect” and I have a “closed” mind…
Yeah, that’s not good. Ah boy.