Better than you Redux

So it’s my debut on a Korean dating site.  It’s fun today, but I know it will be less fun in a day or two, and then it will be a chore and then peter out.

How do I know this?  Because I went this route one time twice before.  The first time was totally unsuccessful.  I was very specific and only found one person in America to talk to who lived in MASSACHUSETTS.  He did fly out to visit me a year or two later and was/is a very cool guy. (He married someone he met on-line not long after!)

But that was just an email friendship.  As far as actual dating, I only tried it once.  I recalled writing about it somewhere and wanted to see what I wrote, only to realize I had just stuck my foot in the waters of blogging and had totally forgotten I had a blog!  Umm, I crashed not long after that and began this Odyssey, so it’s no wonder I forgot it.

Anyway, here’s the post:

Better than you

October 22, 2006 Feeling the seven year itch (like Spock) a few months ago, I signed up for a one month trial to match.com.  I don’t know WHAT I was thinking! If it didn’t work four years ago, why would it work now? What the hell, it’s only a month…

Three weeks later and not even one person contacting me, I begin to wonder what there is about me that is so scarey! Then suddenly there’s activity, just as I’m about to bag it. Which is totally atypical. Essentially the experience had not changed in four years – you meet people who might have read about you, but who apparantly didn’t pass the reading comprehension portion of the SAT’s. Or you meet people who are totally out of their league, exhibiting all the qualities you loathe in a partner. Like insecurity. Like superficiality. Like desperation. Totally underwhelming.

I, in turn, only found a couple people worth contacting. One said I was too old to bear children (people really ARE just searching for breeders!) and one I blew ’cause I was an asshole that day, and the two I was most interested in were smart and had abandoned the on-line quest. So I decided to be smart and abandon it too.

But, sitting there across the table from one of those awkward meetings I had an epiphany:

people are seeking someone better than themselves

I mean, we all have our flaws and weaknesses and attributes. But we seek out people who seem to already be where we want to be. And we dismiss people who are where we’re at. Or below where we think we are. People hope pixie dust will rub off on them, I guess. It’s like social-climbing for self-improvement!

And it’s true. I’m guilty of this. I want somebody sharper dressed, tidier, more balanced, more organized, more passionate, more interesting than myself. Someone I can learn from.  (ah, and this has applications for dancing as well)  So I meet someone and he sits across the table from me and thinks, she’s more interesting than me – I have to have her. And I sit across from this guy and think, nah, you’re not as evolved as me. Sorry. Next meeting, next person, next table: only this time the tables are turned. The table spins round and round.

I mentioned this to my good friend Felecia, and she nodded in agreement. A few weeks later she tells me how she brought up this idea during party conversation in a room full of gay men. And her friend told her, NO! I want someone NOT AS GOOD as myself, so I can feel superior about something! To which the room full of gay men all nodded in agreement. So now Felecia and I are scratching our heads – is that a man thing, or a gay culture thing, do we represent most women, or are we just at the far end of the independent feminist spectrum? Are men and women thus the perfect compliment to one another? Or is the search for someone less superior to yourself as frustrating as the search for someone better than you? Is this a by-product of women’s liberation? Are women just too successful in their personal growth, so much that it threatens men?

It doesn’t matter, though, does it? In the end, if you want to settle down with one partner, you at some point have to abandon looking for someone better than you, be realistic, and accept (hopefully) your equal. For me, for now, I’m still looking for someone better than me. Because I’m still (not long, though!) young enough to think I have enough time to roll over and recover multiple times. For the short term, I want to be fascinated by someone and yes, have their pixie dust rub off on me. I’m willing to give away all my secrets for a memorable ride – I don’t care how long it lasts.

Ah, those brutal personal economics!

In the meantime, I could use the male equivalent of a geisha for a little escape from my stressful workweek and responsibilities. Someone erudite, easy on the eye, always sympathetic, always sincere, always good company…hmm…

I must say that it’s getting harder and harder to be fascinated with anyone, but that for those under 35, there look to be lots of attractive adventurous people on-line, and it seems a lot less pretentious than American dating sites, though there ARE a few hipster posers…But once again, it’s too bad I’m a decade out of step.

I can see it now:  I’ll move back to America and as soon as I leave, Koreans will become less concerned with paper marriages and suffering in misery and a whole new scene of “mature” people wanting to start over will appear.  As soon as I leave.  Ha ha ha!

the best season in Korea

is right now.

Following the typhoon we had a few more days of monsoon and monstrous humidity and then–then overnight the weather turned, and fall is in the air.  The days are moderate and the humidity is moderate.  It >almost< feels like Seattle, except a little more humid.

It’s lunch time at Cheongpyeong high school.  It’s one of the national testing days and the kids seem rather buoyant, considering.  Resounding over the soccer field is the school’s ad-hoc rock band, which practices every day at lunch.  They play a kind of punk speed metal, adding to/feeding some of the boisterous physicality of the students on the field and in the halls.  Whoever thought Koreans were quiet and reserved has never been to Korea…

Testing here is so different from the last school.  I wouldn’t know what the atmosphere in the classroom is like, because here I’m not forced to proctor exams.  But if the teacher’s room is any indication, there is not the tension, toil, and paranoia of my last school.

Yesterday was the English listening exam and several students were less than thrilled with how they did.  It’s no wonder, as I had passed by the classes during their test prep and the way Korean teachers project their voices accentuates the sing-song nature of Asian languages.  It was so alarming, I almost said “oh my GOD!” out loud…In a similar vein, I have decided to no longer include the co-teachers as the other half of any dialogue demonstrations because there is such little delivery of differing values in intonation or stress, that all the words sound exactly the same.  And my co-teachers can translate on the fly and have a huge vocabulary.  It’s interesting to me how they can understand anything I’m saying at all, since listening skills are so intimately connected to speaking.  It’s such a grievous weakness I think I’m going to switch gears and focus my lesson plans on that.  As much as Korea wants to dispense with foreign teachers, it’s clearly going to be a long, long time before that is possible.  Or, if they do, it will be a grave mistake.

But back to the change in season…I might be imagining it, but it also seems as if, overnight, there is a slight rusty tinge appearing on the mountainsides.

Next week is Chuseok, and some friends are coming over to do not much with me for a couple days.   Every year at this time, Koroot has a special gathering for adoptees.  I guess I’ve been lucky in that I have a couple friends to spend time with and not have to go celebrate a Korean family holiday with a bunch of people who have no family. I’m really glad I have a few non-adoptee friends.  REALLY glad.

One of the few times any Koreans have ever expressed concern for me was just prior to Chuseok last year.  They asked if I was okay.  “I’m fine!” I answered, “Why do you ask?”  “Because we heard foreigners were lonely during the holidays.”  They didn’t realize this was their holiday, not mine, and that it really had no significance for me.  But a lot of adoptees, you know, in their reaching, take on Korean holidays, superstitions, and spirituality as if they were their own.   Which really is beyond me.  So I guess it’s an opportunity for fellowship and consolation:  consolation for not having a Korean family to spend the holiday with.  But that sentiment is based on the premise that we’d love this holiday IF we had our Korean families, and is dependent upon choosing to make this holiday, (which previously meant nothing to us)  personally important.  I mean, we’ve lost enough – why add more misery to it?

I’m learning this being Korean thing is only as significant as we want it to be.  I used to give it zero significance, but that denial had the opposite effect.  Now that I’m here, I give it a lot more significance and yet also throw away those parts that I just don’t need to concern myself with or fret over!

So I’m happy to let Koreans curse the traffic, bitch about the food preparation, and steel themselves for long days of personality clashes with too many relatives in close quarters. Me, I’m grateful they have this long holiday to shut down the country and torture each other so  I can hang out with a couple friends (also in close quarters) and be happy that we’re there because we volunteer to be in each other’s lives, and not because we’re obligated.

My only concern is not knowing how many establishments will  be selling food or for how long, so it’s time to stock up the fridge.  Just thinking about having friends over makes me want to have a drink!  (believe it or not, I barely smoke and rarely ever drink – you guys just hear about it every time I do)

Hopefully this week I will get a lot of work done and I won’t be writing much, so have a very nice harvest time, wherever in the world you may be.

a light sleep

Today, like many days, actually began in the wee hours of the morning, where I’m too tired to accomplish anything but too awake to sleep.  But with only a few hours until it’s time to get up, it’s pointless to go back to sleep, and so I set my alarm, just in case.  And I put off the morning broadcast and let time get away from me so I’ve not enough time to complete it and have to run out the door in order to make it to my desk 1 minute before I’m officially late.   Then I’m dragging all day, surviving on a sleep deficit, compounded by a failed attempt to revive with coffee, then put into a stupor with the over-eating required of such a high fiber, high starch, low protein diet supplemented with the forced collective insistence on sharing cookies, pastries, and junk food.

Tonight I sought to fight all the urges to fall asleep the second I got home from school and surfed the t.v., with nothing but superficial drivel as fare, until I finally run past the Indiefilm channel and find myself, yet again, at the tale end of a movie called, “A light sleep.”

The movie is set in contemporary times and about a high school girl and her little sister who are orphaned.  Her uncle has a detached dwelling they can live in, but offers no further support.  And so, to keep her sister fed, she resorts to prostitution, all the while trying to live/having the hopes and dreams of any young high school girl.  And she, too, can’t sleep.

This is the music from the end credits.  It’s kind of typical of many Korean movie Original Sound Tracks.  It’s romantic and melancholy, there’s often accordion and piano, and it’s kind of dreamy.

That sleepless, hollow eye socket, surreal, dreamy feeling pretty much describes being this alone in Korea. It’s the same feeling I had at 3 and 6 and 17 and 26 and 46.

Sometimes I think this is just my fate.  Sometimes I think it didn’t matter where I was sent to or if my life would have played out like the tragic orphan myth had I stayed.  Because when all’s said and done, no matter what I do, whatever efforts I make, at the end of the day, it’s still this same lonely sound track, the same timeless lament for lost innocence sound track.

the kids are all right

I’m so glad they let me have discussion classes:  it’s always been good for my soul to talk to young people and find they’re not just a reflection of their parents or the f**d up things going on in society.

For instance, I was happy to hear that the kids really valued shi jang, traditional open-air markets.  We talked about big box stores like E-marte and supermarkets and they weren’t that impressed with them.  Power Pizza, the beat boxer, said “My grandma sells in the market.  What would she do if it was gone?  Besides, they are very cheaper than supa.”  I told them how in America, supermarkets are actually cheaper than markets and they were surprised.  I asked if it became the same way here in Korea, would they still support the shi jang?  They all said yes, that  shi jang can not die.  But what if you had very little money?  Some began to question if they really would pay more to keep the shi jang alive, but most felt it was important.

When I asked if rich people are happier than poor people, most of the students said no!  Power Pizza told me that actually, he thought rich people could be happy.  He said they work hard and many enjoy working hard.  Milk Michael said they can not be happy because they always want more and more and more.  Violent Victoria and Cute CL cited the suicide of one of the Samsung family as evidence that money can not buy happiness.

Which brought us to the topic of suicide.  I asked the students why Korea has the second highest suicide rate in the world, (topped only by Belarus) and the students all chimed in unison with Wonderful Winnie, saying, “study stress.”

ADDED:

In exploring study stress, I mentioned to the kids how after Obama’s (cheers of admiration all around) visit to S. Korea he urged American schools to improve their testing and be more like Korean schools.  Winnie got disgusted and said, “Obamma is crazy!”  and everyone agreed – testing NO!  I told them that some people believe preparing for a test makes students learn more than they would without a test.  Several of the students agreed that this is true.  I also said that others believe tests do not measure learning and I asked them if they remember what they have memorized for tests.  Victoria, and Janny, both proficient note takers and never without vocabulary books to memorize, both bemoaned having short memories.   (though I’ll be their ability is twice mine)  Power Pizza said memory no.  understanding better.  The students all agreed that they would rather understand everything they are tested on and that they didn’t understand everything they memorized for tests.

I can only hope that a decade of this super focus on test scores on top of the already pressure-filled Confucian-based focus on elevating one’s status through scholarship gets turned down by these students when they come of age.

But, I argued, not all suicides are by students.  Many are by adults, some are salary men, some are housewives!  There must be some other reason…Tiger Top said, “chingus (friends) no.”  Then he made a kicking motion.  “girlfriend no!”  And then he made another kicking motion.  Violent Victoria and Sexy Sunny(?) both said together,  “outsiders.”  It’s a tough place if you’re an outsider in a collectivist society…

When I asked the kids if they would rather live in the country or the city, 70% of the students chose the country.  Joking JiHye said she loves the corn.  She needs lots of corn around her.  Mammal Matt loved the fresh air, and Power Pizza liked the sound birds and mice.  Really?  Mice?  All the kids agreed about the mice.  (yikes!) Milk Michael preferred the city because of the bus, train, and subway.  Oh you mean the transportation!  I asked him if he has to walk a lot here, and he told me that his mother drives him everywhere.   Sexy Sunny and Beautiful Bella liked the city because of the after dark.  Oh!  You like the night life!  Winnie liked the high buildings. Oh! you mean the tall buildings or high rises!

When I told the students foreigners were worried about Korean food because Korea has the highest rate of stomach cancer in the world and asked them what they thought of that, Wonderful Winnie seemed very concerned.  The students hadn’t heard that one before.  At first they all said junk food.  But, I argued, America eats about the same amount of junk food yet has lower stomach cancer…Choco Charlie thought it was smoking, but I argued that would cause lung cancer.  Winnie thought maybe it was a combination of spicy and stress.  Someone else said salt.  But then I argued that kimchi was spicy and salty.  Is kimchi causing stomach cancer?  Tiger Top’s  response was enrich many time.  Ahh!  So you think the fermentation makes it healthy?  Yes, they said, but didn’t seem too sure.  I think it was Choco Charlie that said it was smoke from cars and dirty air.  Power Pizza said it was oil twice cook dark.  food cook dark.  Oh!  So you think old oil and charred/burned food could cause stomach cancer?  Head nods.

Disappointingly, when asked whether North and South Korea could ever reunite, 75% of the students adamantly said no.  Sudden attack was their reason, referring to the recent downing of a S. Korean ship where 50(?) sailors lost their lives.  Power Pizza said it was because N. Korea is hungry very so minds  not good.  When asked to explain, they had to put their heads together to find the right word and the one they came up with was beggar.  They don’t think N. Koreans would work and would become dependents of the state.   Winnie said Impossible because N. Korea would never let S. Korea unify the two countries.   War, they all said.  Or, I said maybe N. Korea just collapses like E. Germany did.  But what about broken families?  I asked.  Your grandma or grandpa might have a brother up there.  Joyful Janny, one of the few who was in favor of unification, looked me in the eye and said, “difficult.”  Yes, it’s very complicated I told them.