i get why you feel that way. but reading your stuff helps me know i am not alone.
I love you, and I’m thinking about you here in Olympia.
you’re totally not alone. . .i wonder if it’s the weather because it seems almost everyone i’m talking to thesedays is depressed. . .or just very lonely. 3/5 of the people i regularly talk to in seoul especially. oh, and of course me too, kimsaebom.wordpress.com.
i read your blog often and i haven’t commented until now. .. so know i’m glad you’re writing and you’re not alone ~^^ saebom
Thanks for the kind words. I keep turning this response on and off. I don’t know where to put it. It sounds so lame. Here it is on for a moment.
I realized yesterday, after sobbing for absolutely zero rational reason, that I am becoming clinically depressed. Unlike the last time, I know the source of this depression but THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. This is coming as a result of constantly trying to do something about it, but getting nowhere. So it’s good that I know, but bad because hope is fading. (not to worry, Sara, you know I won’t do anything stupid ’cause I love you and David and I don’t feel that way anyway)
Today I went to school, said, “good morning,” and at the end of the day I said, “goodbye.” If I didn’t say this, I might not have ANY human interaction whatsoever. My colleagues smile and are nice enough, but they have zero interest in anything other than a professional relationship. I’ve even told them how lonely I am here. They bother (and probably congratulate themselves) to make sure I don’t eat alone, but they never include me in any conversation, so it’s not really such a gift. They’ll translate my lesson to their students, but they won’t translate their conversations to me. So I sit there and eat while they chatter and laugh and gossip in some foreign language. And there’s nothing I can do but eat in silence. I smile. I do my job. They’re happy and that’s all that matters. I give them little gems about my culture outside of the classroom, but they give nothing to me of theirs. It’s my job and they’re paying me. They don’t owe me anything. The only Korean here that takes any interest in me at all is a male teacher who keeps offering me rides home, wanted to catch a drink one evening, and keeps inviting me to his office alone for coffee. He keeps asking why I don’t come to his office for coffee. Oh and I forgot: he’s a married teacher with two kids. My only prospect is predatory and makes me uncomfortable.
Other than that, it’s just my four walls. And the t.v. and the dying computer. I can’t concentrate on my work. I just flip from channel to channel. From site to site. To channel to channel. I nap to get away from the pointlessness of it all. I am restless because I am hungry for something that can’t be satiated. I repeat the cycle over and over again. I get hardly any rest.
For all my formative years, I had to carry a horrible secret so my mother’s world did not fall apart. It was made clear that if I spoke with anyone, then it would be my fault if she slipped away into madness never to return. And so I never had any real friends or confidants. Abuse isolated me. And being adopted to a world where I was the only Korean isolated me. And retarded my social skills. And I learned to appear engaged but never really was. And so people have always left because there was something missing from me. No matter how involved or what leadership roles I took or how many interests I took on. I burn through them all. Now at alarmingly more frequent rates. And the three times I trust and love someone, they totally abandon me. And here I am in Korea, with all those handicaps but on top of that I am here by myself and shut out from society because I am a middle-aged deaf mute alien who wasn’t raised right.
I envy the young KADs I’ve met. They are on the same page with each other. They throw themselves into the same delirium. They have the same cries of anguish. They share the same path at the same time. I have already been delirious – only it was decades ago – only it was by myself, and always with half the resources.
It’s just freaking amazing I manage to persist. Yayy me. People may think I whine. But then I can tell them about my brother being in jail for life for murder, and then they take me serious. Or my husband being sighted every couple of years homeless on the streets. Or not having a camera to take photos of my children for ten years of their life because he hocked our camera and I could never afford a new one. Or of only seeing 1 movie at a theater for a decade. Or standing in soup-lines with my children for a meal. And then that somehow makes my story seem worthy. And if I whine I am a slacker. But then I can tell them about working half time while going to school full time while raising two kids or, after graduating working full time and a second job on the weekends for years. I’ve always taken things head on – I just never had the opportunity to indulge any of these issues until now. I do think I’ve known more loneliness than most people.
But dealing with this loneliness is much harder than that. Because through all that I had my kids next to me to keep me company, even if I kept most of my demons to myself. But this, being stripped of every means of communication, with no one here to take my part, and nowhere to go each day but this room is like solitary confinement with my 1 day a week in Seoul being like my 1 hr. exercise in the yard, and then it’s back in the hole.
Because there is loneliness. And then there is utter loneliness. Because despite all my exceptionally hard fought struggle, I am back to where I started from, which is very much being and nothingness.
Don’t come to Korea alone to live or search for identity mid forties. Just don’t do it. NOT recommended.
For the first time in Korean drama, there is a drama about a female president on SBS. The show premiered on wednesday and will air weekly on wed/thur at 21:55 and the title is DaeMul or 대물. The drama stars one of my favorite actress and her name is Ko Hyunjung. She is also and former Miss Korea and was once married to a son of a jaebol. I thought this might interest you.
Miss Ko also played a role in an epic drama call Queen Seonduk. The drama was about the first queen in the Korean history and it took place during the Silla dynasty. She played the character Misil who was like the sorcerer of the kingdom. She was very powerful and had muliple husbands which was accept during that time. Aparently, women during the Silla dynasty had equal rights as the men. Very interesting chapter of the Korean history. As a feminist, I thought you might be interested unless you already knew.
I can totally empathize with your feeling alone, but please know that you are not. There are many of us who read and find comfort/understanding/enlightenment/healing/you name it in your words and stories. You help us to feel less lonely.
Thank you so much for taking the time and being brave enough to document your return to Korea and your story. In a way, you are taking a bullet for all of us.
Um, I know this might sounds kind of dumb, and its totally up to you, but I have a smart, terribly funny, 30 something friend currently in Seoul teaching. Could I give you her email address?
That’s sweet, rae, but I need a caring face IN my world.
It’s the 250 hours bound and gagged between Saturdays that are killing me. It’s a whole life of having no one who can (really) relate to me.
I have to find some way to deal with being trapped here.
Hello Korea ! 
i get why you feel that way. but reading your stuff helps me know i am not alone.
I love you, and I’m thinking about you here in Olympia.
you’re totally not alone. . .i wonder if it’s the weather because it seems almost everyone i’m talking to thesedays is depressed. . .or just very lonely. 3/5 of the people i regularly talk to in seoul especially. oh, and of course me too, kimsaebom.wordpress.com.
i read your blog often and i haven’t commented until now. .. so know i’m glad you’re writing and you’re not alone ~^^ saebom
Thanks for the kind words. I keep turning this response on and off. I don’t know where to put it. It sounds so lame. Here it is on for a moment.
I realized yesterday, after sobbing for absolutely zero rational reason, that I am becoming clinically depressed. Unlike the last time, I know the source of this depression but THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. This is coming as a result of constantly trying to do something about it, but getting nowhere. So it’s good that I know, but bad because hope is fading. (not to worry, Sara, you know I won’t do anything stupid ’cause I love you and David and I don’t feel that way anyway)
Today I went to school, said, “good morning,” and at the end of the day I said, “goodbye.” If I didn’t say this, I might not have ANY human interaction whatsoever. My colleagues smile and are nice enough, but they have zero interest in anything other than a professional relationship. I’ve even told them how lonely I am here. They bother (and probably congratulate themselves) to make sure I don’t eat alone, but they never include me in any conversation, so it’s not really such a gift. They’ll translate my lesson to their students, but they won’t translate their conversations to me. So I sit there and eat while they chatter and laugh and gossip in some foreign language. And there’s nothing I can do but eat in silence. I smile. I do my job. They’re happy and that’s all that matters. I give them little gems about my culture outside of the classroom, but they give nothing to me of theirs. It’s my job and they’re paying me. They don’t owe me anything. The only Korean here that takes any interest in me at all is a male teacher who keeps offering me rides home, wanted to catch a drink one evening, and keeps inviting me to his office alone for coffee. He keeps asking why I don’t come to his office for coffee. Oh and I forgot: he’s a married teacher with two kids. My only prospect is predatory and makes me uncomfortable.
Other than that, it’s just my four walls. And the t.v. and the dying computer. I can’t concentrate on my work. I just flip from channel to channel. From site to site. To channel to channel. I nap to get away from the pointlessness of it all. I am restless because I am hungry for something that can’t be satiated. I repeat the cycle over and over again. I get hardly any rest.
For all my formative years, I had to carry a horrible secret so my mother’s world did not fall apart. It was made clear that if I spoke with anyone, then it would be my fault if she slipped away into madness never to return. And so I never had any real friends or confidants. Abuse isolated me. And being adopted to a world where I was the only Korean isolated me. And retarded my social skills. And I learned to appear engaged but never really was. And so people have always left because there was something missing from me. No matter how involved or what leadership roles I took or how many interests I took on. I burn through them all. Now at alarmingly more frequent rates. And the three times I trust and love someone, they totally abandon me. And here I am in Korea, with all those handicaps but on top of that I am here by myself and shut out from society because I am a middle-aged deaf mute alien who wasn’t raised right.
I envy the young KADs I’ve met. They are on the same page with each other. They throw themselves into the same delirium. They have the same cries of anguish. They share the same path at the same time. I have already been delirious – only it was decades ago – only it was by myself, and always with half the resources.
It’s just freaking amazing I manage to persist. Yayy me. People may think I whine. But then I can tell them about my brother being in jail for life for murder, and then they take me serious. Or my husband being sighted every couple of years homeless on the streets. Or not having a camera to take photos of my children for ten years of their life because he hocked our camera and I could never afford a new one. Or of only seeing 1 movie at a theater for a decade. Or standing in soup-lines with my children for a meal. And then that somehow makes my story seem worthy. And if I whine I am a slacker. But then I can tell them about working half time while going to school full time while raising two kids or, after graduating working full time and a second job on the weekends for years. I’ve always taken things head on – I just never had the opportunity to indulge any of these issues until now. I do think I’ve known more loneliness than most people.
But dealing with this loneliness is much harder than that. Because through all that I had my kids next to me to keep me company, even if I kept most of my demons to myself. But this, being stripped of every means of communication, with no one here to take my part, and nowhere to go each day but this room is like solitary confinement with my 1 day a week in Seoul being like my 1 hr. exercise in the yard, and then it’s back in the hole.
Because there is loneliness. And then there is utter loneliness. Because despite all my exceptionally hard fought struggle, I am back to where I started from, which is very much being and nothingness.
Don’t come to Korea alone to live or search for identity mid forties. Just don’t do it. NOT recommended.
For the first time in Korean drama, there is a drama about a female president on SBS. The show premiered on wednesday and will air weekly on wed/thur at 21:55 and the title is DaeMul or 대물. The drama stars one of my favorite actress and her name is Ko Hyunjung. She is also and former Miss Korea and was once married to a son of a jaebol. I thought this might interest you.
Miss Ko also played a role in an epic drama call Queen Seonduk. The drama was about the first queen in the Korean history and it took place during the Silla dynasty. She played the character Misil who was like the sorcerer of the kingdom. She was very powerful and had muliple husbands which was accept during that time. Aparently, women during the Silla dynasty had equal rights as the men. Very interesting chapter of the Korean history. As a feminist, I thought you might be interested unless you already knew.
I can totally empathize with your feeling alone, but please know that you are not. There are many of us who read and find comfort/understanding/enlightenment/healing/you name it in your words and stories. You help us to feel less lonely.
Thank you so much for taking the time and being brave enough to document your return to Korea and your story. In a way, you are taking a bullet for all of us.
Um, I know this might sounds kind of dumb, and its totally up to you, but I have a smart, terribly funny, 30 something friend currently in Seoul teaching. Could I give you her email address?
That’s sweet, rae, but I need a caring face IN my world.
It’s the 250 hours bound and gagged between Saturdays that are killing me. It’s a whole life of having no one who can (really) relate to me.
I have to find some way to deal with being trapped here.
Hey you aren’t alone. Cheer up.