some observations for ya

Little, small, weak Asians

So I was surprised when I came to Korea to find myself still shorter than almost everyone.   I guess I was hoping that I’d at least have a COUPLE more under 5′-0″ people I could commiserate with.  But no.  Granted, the oldest generation is quite short, and occasionally I see old women a head shorter than myself!  (that whole era before and after the war there wasn’t much protein to go around…)  But in general, Koreans are much much taller than I’d imagined.

On Q&A day, one of the questions I got asked was, “How tall are Americans?”  I told them that a tall Korean was about average height American.”  And there were gasps all around the room.  But later, I thought to myself that a tall Korean is pretty damned tall.  An exceptionally tall Korean is equal to a tall American.  But the average Korean is a still shorter than the average American.  Say the average guy in America is (guessing here) about 5’10.”  The average Korean guy might be 5′.8″  So a taller Korean guy, about 5′-10″ to 6′-2″ really stands out.  Occasionally I stand by a freakishly tall Korean that could be a pro U.S. basketball player.  And then when there’s a tall Korean girl and she’s wearing 4″ high stiletto heels, it’s kind of scary… Anyway, if you ever come to Korea you might be surprised too.

Working out is becoming an obsession here as well,  and some of them are A-rod gorgeous and ripped.  This is really such a physical culture – so much horse-play and body contact and arguments get solved with fighting.  Here in the country, the focus on athleticism is huge.  I don’t think we can generalize and say Asian men are weak at all.  But there are mannerisms which make them look weak to my western eye.  It’s the facial expressions and the hand gestures.   On the men, they seem a little effeminate.  On the women, they seem over-the-top nauseatingly feminine.  Picture someone shaking your hand limply, and then picture an African American brother giving a hand-shake.  It’s that kind of difference.

One of my Migook chingus told me studies show that Koreans are the tallest of all the Asians.  I’m sure that it has to do with a diet that is becoming more and more western.

Naturally skinny

I keep hearing this over and over from people, but I really don’t think it’s true.

The bulk of the students I’ve taught are NOT skinny.  The ones who ARE skinny are anorexic-looking, so I think they stick out in our minds.  Then the girls get to college and diet themselves to death once liberated from school uniforms and free to date in a frenzy to look fashionable.

During lunch last week, two female teachers actually tried to converse with me!  They asked about the weight of Americans and I corrected them that not all Americans were overweight, but that there are more morbidly obese in America.  I cited that Americans are overweight for exactly the same reason Koreans are:  love of sweets, pastries, fried foods, too many carbs and not enough exercise.  They talked about how they are chubby (true) and one of them told me – all those beautiful girls on t.v. – that is not natural.  So I asked them about anorexia and though they didn’t know the term, they said that yes Korean girls are dying from dieting.  I asked if they spoke about this in the schools and they said that the schools don’t tackle issues like that, but that they should.  One of them said they read that one of the Kpop girl groups was put on a 300 calorie a day diet.  I found that a little hard to believe, but I do find it plausible that that kind of rumor could be circulated by insecure girls hoping to get as thin as their (cough) role models.  These images – and the living dolls on campus – are a seriously dangerous new aspect to Korean society.  I’m afraid a lot of girls are going to end up infertile or not live to be my age as a result of the super hyped-up emphasis on physical appearance here.

In reality, Koreans come in all the same body types and shapes as Americans.  The innertubes are everywhere. It’s a battle of the bulge, and there are A LOT of outright chubby and fat people.  And, hopefully, more and more Koreans will come to just accept that they are what they are and just try and be happy with health.

What you DON’T see here is many morbidly obese people.  I’ve seen maybe two in the past year and a half.

Monogamy

The growing divorce rate is of concern to people here, same for conservatives everywhere but ESPECIALLY in a conservative country like Korea, it is thought that a divorced home =broken family.  (and that a single unit household can not = family)  However, from what my small knowledge of the marriage status of those around me, I have come to the conclusion that the actual divorce rate is not an accurate indication of “broken” families in Korea.

There seem to be a lot of paper marriages/unofficial divorces.  These are permanently separated families.  They stay married only to maintain social standing so their children aren’t ostracized.  I think there are actually a lot of separated men and women my age.  And to the extent that there are physically separate households.  And the only thing they can do is be celibate or try and find unofficial relationships.  The people I met in this condition have defaulted to the former because finding the latter isn’t easy and that process isn’t very respectable.  This would be a potential relationship pool for myself if I even wanted to touch anything that complicated, which I don’t, and wouldn’t know how to if I did want to.  But I also doubt how honest these men would portray themselves to would-be dates…

I wouldn’t know about the amount of actual extra-marital affairs going on, but from the portrayals of it in the media you’d think it rampant.  It’s also a rather common unwed single mom story that a girl was deceived by someone posing as single but finding out the man had a wife and family.    So I guess that stands to reason in a patriarchal society, that men feel they have less limits while holding up a double standard for their partners.  (punishable by jail for women)

I do know the only flirting, etc., directed my way has come from men who later (when they can see I’m not biting) mention their wife or kid.   All of which makes me wonder why ANY woman in Korea would want to get married, since vows of monogamy don’t seem very sacred.  Do a couple of rascals indict the whole country?  I suppose one couldn’t say that, but let’s just say that this never happened to me in America:  married men asking me if I’d like to get a drink, etc.  Affairs in America seem to be something everyone tries to avoid and some fail at.  Here, it seems like something that’s entertained a lot.  I guess you can do that in a country where it’s still shameful to get a divorce.  If wifey finds out, the possibility of consequences is less.

Why don’t you speak Korean?!!!

Last Saturday, on my way to the cigar shop, I made the mistake of not following one of my goat paths and took an alternate route.  (It always LOOKS simple on the subway map!)  Stupid me – how could an extending arm (picture an upside down capitol letter ‘Q’) of the green line (the one line that is a loop around the center of Seoul) possibly be simpler?

At the terminus/beginning (what have-you) of the line, both sides of the subway tracks had the same signage so I didn’t know which side to wait at.   I figured that since it wasn’t a loop and there was no way for a train to turn around, that maybe both sides just went back and forth like the mono-rail did in Seattle.  So by just missing one train on one side, I elected to move to the other side and wait for another train.   (I turned out to be wrong, btw)

While there, another foreigner chatted me up/hit me up.  I’ll try and replicate the conversation, using A and B:

A:  [insert Korean here]

B.  I’m sorry, I don’t speak Korean.

A.  Where are you from?

B.   America.

A.  But you look Korean.

B.  [here it comes]  I am Korean.

A.

B. I’m adopted.

A.  Oh, so you were adopted to the United States and your parents are white?

B.  Yes.

A.  So are your parents here?

B.  No.

A.  Where are your parents?  In the States?

B.  No.  They’re dead.

A.  So what are you doing here?

B.  Teaching English, what else…

A.  Why don’t you speak Korean!!!

B.  Because I was raised in the United States.  [I can’t believe I’m getting admonished by this foreign (Indian? Arab?) man for not learning Korean.  It’s bad enough when Koreans do this to me.]

A.  So you should learn!!!

B.  It’s not easy.

A.  Sure it is!  I”m Pakistani and I speak Korean better than English!

B.  [here it comes]

A.  Why, all you have to do is talk to some people at the market!

B.  People don’t talk to me in Korean.  I’m an English teacher.  They only speak to me in English.  As soon as they hear me speaking English, there is only English or no conversation.

A.  People talk to me all the time!

B.  That’s because you don’t look like you can speak English.  That’s because you don’t look Korean but fail being Korean.  They expect to have to train you.  They expect me to know it.

A.  If you just tried harder, you’d pick it up like I have.

B.  And how long have you lived here?

A.  Five years.

B.  And how long before you could speak?

A.  A few years.

B.  I’ve been here a year and a half.  Gimmie a break.

A.  So where is your husband?

B.  I’m divorced.

A.  So you are single?

B.  Yes.

A.  So you are here by yourself?!

B.  Yes.

A.  Where do you live?

B.  You sure ask a lot of questions.  [I have never understood why ANYONE would ask a girl where she lives, but all wanna be players seem to do this]

A.  Does it make you angry?

B.  [Yeah, asshole, it makes me angry]  It’s too familiar for my taste.

A.  Would you like to go on a date?

B.  I’m very busy right now.  [like I’d date an insensitive jerk like you]

A.  You’re very beautiful.

B.  Thanks.

A.  Do you have kids?

B.  They are in college.

A.  Would you mind meeting me some time?  Where are you going?

B.  As I said, I’m very busy.

A.  I’d like to practice my English with someone.

B.  [now that I’m obviously too old to date, at least he can try and get free English lessons]  I’m not interested in helping you with your English.  That’s my job all day.  Have a nice day.

Now, except for the him being Pakistani part and being asked for a date, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this conversation before.  Slap me on the face about my Korean and then try and exploit me for English.  Seriously.  Not an isolated event.

I can’t tell you how irritating it is to get admonished for not speaking Korean all the time!  And it’s usually people who have had the luxury of classes who were enrolled in one program or another.  Or, it is a Korean who can barely speak English who has been studying for about 8 years. Or, in this case someone brown who comes without expectations of English or Korean…

I am here and forced to self study.  With NO ONE willing to speak to me in Korean or give me two minutes.  I can’t even reach classes in time if I wanted to because they aren’t offered and the commute to Seoul is too long.  I have given up for the time being, because IT’S POINTLESS.  The vacuum is so huge there’s only time wasted and nothing gained.

And if it weren’t such a horrible scenario to be in, I still wouldn’t be learning this language on the outside chance my mom, one of 48.6 million,  (yeah, I just googled the population stats) saw two minutes of something on t.v. out of about 100 t.v. channels and then decides to step forward.  Because this adoptee has learned well to manage her expectations and not hope for something with such bad odds.    Besides which, I only want to meet the woman.  I don’t know how much of a relationship would be possible or desirable.  Only after meeting would taking this language seriously be something I’d entertain.

In the meantime, my only interest in this language is the same as for any other language – and that is rather academic – that other languages are structurally interesting and culturally revealing.  All I want is survival Korean so I’m not so freaking uncomfortable here.   Compound all of the above with it being a difficult language and totally foreign, lacking any cognates or any root structure that is evident in all the other languages I’ve tried my hand at with moderate success and little effort.

Tonight there’s a lecture on the mental health of adoptees.  Whereas it’s a fascinating topic of study, I’m really not interested in it personally.  But I did hear before hand that language acquisition is included, and that adoptees actually do seem to have a steel plate in their heads when it comes to Korean.  I actually have too much work to do and shouldn’t go or be writing now, even, but it’s on my mind.

I know for me there is something akin to rage when I see other foreigners speaking Korean.  Because I spoke when I came to America.  So whatever it was that allowed thought and representation to be expressed in my native tongue was killed then.  Call this melodrama if you want, but emotionally it’s very real, and I believe it’s handicapping my ability to retain anything.  I see other adoptees picking up the language too, but again they have more privileges and better circumstances than I and they were also pre-verbal when they were adopted.  I also know that my adoptee friend who was NINE lost sooooo much more than I ever did, and she too has a steel plate in her head and she, too, must self-study in a vacuum, and each and every misunderstood word is like a dagger to her heart because she once owned it.

So, dear readers, and please don’t be offended, but  maybe could everyone please indulge me and not hit that button?  (also Mei Ling, I know you’re investigating or being supportive, but even your comments about language add to my language pressure)  Ask me about adoption.  Ask me about incest.  Ask me about abuse.  Ask me about just about anything you want, but this language thing makes me FEEL VIOLENT.

Thank you.

Two videos of orphanages

This is shamelessly copied from Jane’s blog, without permission.  On this occasion, two months into the anniversary of the beginning of the Korean war and me thinking about Korea, war, and orphans, I remembered this post and thought it an appropriate time to bring it to your attention.  Jane’s post below:

::Welcome to Geon Orphanage::

I think this video is really well-done. It gives factual  information about the kinds of Korean children who live in orphanages today, and it shows a modern orphanage. It appears to have been made by a younger white male English speaker, most likely an English teacher here.

Now, the following video by Holt International visually invokes the Korean War, stressing that terrible period of time as if it still exists. I think it is a common tactic for adoption agencies involved in Korean adoption to keep hammering on the Korean War forever and ever, which is why so many adoptees and adoptive parents are surprised to see a very modern Korean when they get here. Of course, the narration is overly sentimental, designed to grab at heartstrings instead of shedding the light on the harsh realities of the barriers that Korean single mothers face in being able to raise their own children.

End of Jane’s post.

If you double click on the Holt video, the comments on that last video are pretty astounding as well.   I just wish I had video footage of the unwed moms and their kids together.  If people saw that, they might truly be disturbed about Holt’s video above…

ADDED:  Most children living in orphanages today are there because their parents are having difficult circumstances due in no small part to crappy social services.  Many of the stays for these children are temporary.  On the flip side, I don’t have any statistics, but I’ll risk saying that ALL of the children who aren’t handicapped in the International adoption programs are infants with living parents.  I’ll also speculate that most of their mothers don’t REALLY want to give their babies away.  But, like Choi Hyun-Sook, when your brother insists he watches you sign over relinquishment papers, and when you investigate and there are no adequate social services to help you, and all of the adoption agencies tell you your life will be destroyed if you keep your child and don’t offer to tell you about any alternatives, then it’s no wonder these babies are given away.  The  coercion is omission.  The loaded gun is social pressure.  The only choice is no choice.

So are we “helping” or “saving” by signing on for the Korea adoption program?  Or are we adding to the pressure?  Adoption agencies call it relinquishment, but I call it exploiting the vulnerable, which can also be called theft.

And how does it feel to have given away your child under these circumstances?  Go to Ae Ran Won’s old English web site and click on Writings to find out.

suggestion

Heard recently that HOLT is expanding its offices in Seoul. (???!!!)

I kind of think this structure made of bamboo would be appropriate.  Environmentally sensitive, made in China and inexpensive, saving adoption fees, and also a good choice for the temporary (cough) nature of aid (clears throat) work.