Seriously – I can’t tell what hangul is describing what or whom so I can’t figure out what her name is.

You know, one color-blind world is adoptee boards.  We’re all just our circumstances there.  And domestic adoptees the world over are all incredibly sympathetic to international adoptees struggles and complications.  So I want to take a moment and let people know that they, too, experience having their basic rights violated.  And then there are those Korean adoptees who are subject to those same basic rights violations in the U.S. because they too live in states with closed adoption records.  And we all of us, ALL of us have amended birth certificates.

Big deal!  What does it matter if your birth certificate is amended or not?  Well, it’s a big deal because they were originally amended to protect the adoptee from discrimination.  NOT to protect the parent’s identity the way it is used today.  This was based in the same kind of thought as Korean secret adoptions:  shame and fear of the stigma of exposure.  If there is any justification to this fear, I just find it ironic that we protect the perpetrator of abandonment and we don’t protect the children from abandonment.  Our priorities seem kind of backwards.  But in America, it’s not the birth mothers who want protection.  It’s the adoptive parents who want to keep the fact of their birth mother erased.  Anyway, the fact is studies show these fears are unfounded.  People just want to know their truth.  But that’s illegal in most states.

But Yayy for PBS and their series on adoption, as they will soon be playing the following movie:

And another short film by the same director, Jean  Strauss

http://player.vimeo.com/video/15641649

I’d like to share all of the compelling videos with you posted on the movie’s website, but you should go there for yourself and check them out.

The gayageum class has shrunk by over half.  Unlike all the other classmates, I am the only one sporting a fresh new blister every week.  No sooner does it heal with fresh new baby skin, then it’s time to abuse my flesh anew.  The week before I had to stop so I didn’t bleed all over the strings.  This week I got an instrument strung so tight it felt like wire instead of silk.  So I switched instruments which kind of bothered the instructors, because they had to tune it.  Anyway, I kind of think that unless I can get a gayageum of my own to play regularly and build a callous, then I don’t think I can stomach the weekly starting over again.  I mean, I literally get nauseous sometimes.

The bus ride also makes me car sick.  It’s so weird.  I’ve always been tough as nails.  It’s just some really weird isolated things that make me ill – The Blair Witch Project, that Glenn Close exhibit, and now Gayageum strings and long bus rides..

It’s also not the social engagement I thought it would be.  Everyone splits before the class period is even over.

Even though I’m always whacking away bit by bit at the pile of adoption-related work, I haven’t had much to write about it lately.  I guess it’s because blogging is really me writing letters to someone and I’ve had three pretty in-depth correspondences with adoptees the past few weeks.  All three of them are abused adoptees; one of them not Asian.  It seems me writing letters on blogs and making websites to expose our realities really does touch people and change their lives.  I’ve been the recipient of many hugs this week, and it feels good.

Like always, I’m always making new work for myself as well.  I’ve re-edited the Collection of One video to a longer, more appropriate song that Miwha chose and it now includes all of the adoptee photos submitted, some which arrived after the installation.  Just have to add Korean sub-titles to it for Korean audiences.  I’ll be sure to post it when the translations come in and I get it captioned…I’m also half finished compiling calendar information for a N. American / Korean pocket planner, which will includes observed holidays, unofficial holidays, and important historical dates concerning adoption, women’s empowerment, and fun facts about Korea.  It will have hand-drawn illustrations and might also include a couple recipes and there will be an English and Korean version.  It will just be a nice, special thing for people to have.  My daughter’s begun a Korean language study group at her college, and I’ve also culled my billions of Korean language books to set up a nice curriculum for them.  I’ve tried a quarter of the books out there, and I know what does and doesn’t work, so it was really fun to put together the first module.  Plus, in order to keep doing this, it will force me to get some discipline on and keep up.  Maybe all I needed all this time was to not be studying solo…

During the research for the planner I got a kick out of some of the insights people had about Korea at a travel forum.  One of them said Koreans do not like sweets, so candy was not a good gift.  I guess they visited a different Korea than the one I live in, because I’ve never seen so many people eat so much candy so often in my entire life.  What you DON’T see is people drinking huge soft drinks all the time.  And they are sold in reasonable sized containers as well.  The office crowd is always buying gift sets of beverages to distribute around the office (and donuts and rice cake and pastries and…) and popular ones are so-called well being drinks, which are little tiny (maybe 6 ozs. or less) glass bottles of super-sweetened syrupy vitamin or herb fortified drinks.  I figured they were something recent, but the other day caught a picture from the 60’s and there they were in the movie.  There’s half a dozen of these things lined up on my desk.  People keep giving them to me, and I don’t drink them and offer them to my co-teacher, who drinks hers but doesn’t want any more.   And then she is always trying to pawn off her gift snacks on me because she’s trying to diet.  I’m hoping people will just quit giving me these fat bombs, but even though I refuse most of the time, they still keep coming.  It almost feels like a conspiracy – let’s be a super weight-conscious society and let’s try and fatten up the competition – ha ha!

Korea does coffee really well.  Some of the best lattes with the coolest foam art I’ve ever seen.  Impressed by a leaf or heart?  bah.  Try a bunny.  Or a panda bear. Or a kitty cat.  But that will cost you a meal.  And that’s also only in Seoul.  Here in the country people can’t afford those kind of luxuries.  Most people think any whole bean with arabica or blue mountain means gourmet.  The chief teacher in my office thinks of himself as a gourmand and he makes a great fanfare of opening up the improperly stored bag of beans and intently grinding them up to make drip coffee with.  He’s one of those types who is pretentious but so genuinely enthusiastic you can’t help but really have a soft spot for him.  Plus he always offers me some.  It blows my head off and tastes bad, but I take it anyway.  Coffee has ceased to be worth the hoo-ha for me now.  Seattle probably won’t let me in once I get back.

All of which is making me really dehydrated – that on top of the fact that Koreans don’t serve water with their meals.  The function of water is only to rinse the pepper flakes from your mouth after dinner.  I always cause a traffic jam at the water cooler in the cafeteria, because I’m actually drinking one of those tiny cups of water while everyone else just takes enough for one mouthful.

Winter is fast approaching and everyone is already freezing to death. I’m even wearing long johns to work.  It’s a hot walk to and from work, but sitting at my desk sedentary the body temperature lowers.  It’s either that or bring an afghan or fuzzy throw like all the girl students do.  I looked at my closet and there were only about four long sleeved shirts – how did I ever survive last year?  How does anyone survive these bitter winters?  And then if you commute at all, then you’re fast dripping in sweat.  And then everyone will crank the heat up to sauna levels and someone near the window will crack it open so there’s a biting cold draft and…Anyway, the answer is layers.  Many layers.

Fortunately, layers are cheap here.  Basics can be had for $5.  These would cost half again as much in the ‘states, but they’re made here.  So stocking up on lots of those is advisable.  Of course, everyone and their brother is wearing these so they’re only good beneath more stylish things.  I’ve discovered that cheap shirts and sweaters here are really crappy, so it’s almost always worthwhile to spend over $25 for a shirt and over $35 for a sweater.  You’re going to get better quality and it will have some style to it – because it’s Korea.  A lot of these mid-priced clothes look like high priced boutique clothing – because it’s Korea.  There are also a lot of designer knock-offs, which I avoid like the plague because they just tell everyone you aren’t even close to what you wish you could be.  But Korea’s also home to lots of really good minor designers, and I’m beginning to be able to see how before I leave this place I can gather a lot of the architecturally constructed clean shapes I prefer, and which aren’t offered in the ‘states except at premium prices.  It’s easy to shop here – I just eliminate everything flowered and ruffled, anything with appliques, anything with cheap stitching and anything shiny.  But then there’s a mile of stores to walk through, so it’s work.  Maybe that’s why my pants are tight – I’m not shopping enough.

But tonight I’m sick.  I hope this doesn’t turn into one of those month-long bronchitis spells…There aren’t that many people sick at school (except my co-worker, so I will give her a hard time tomorrow)  but NOT having soap in the bathrooms doesn’t help, I’m sure.  I wonder how much money the NOT having soap in schools costs society in the long run?  And the toilet paper – I am always watching teachers take twice or more what they need from the giant cylinder because they can’t anticipate how much they might need once they get to the toilet stall.  Same goes with public bathrooms that only have one cylinder roll for multiple stalls.  So in the trash can next to the toilets you’ll see huge mountains of rolls of toilet paper from everyone taking more than they need.  And then there are those places who just refuse to provide toilet paper.  One time I was waiting for a train and some girl asked for huge and her friend pulled out a wad of paper she’d stolen from one of those cylinders, and then she began giggling hysterically as she kept pulling and pulling and pulling – her entire kabang was stuffed with stolen toilet paper.  Some cost savings…

On the dating scene, I had one guy become an IM pest so I had to dispense with him.  Got a message from one handsome 50 yr. old Korean guy who had a cool job and lives fairly nearby who can speak English.  He asked if I was Korean.  I told him yes, Ibyeonga from America!  Last I ever heard from him…

It’s okay.  I don’t even have time to put my clothes away.  Who needs company?

I guess I do.  Crap.

Today I dawdled after dinner, still sifting through video clips of the movie, Stand by me to play and discuss with my conversation students tomorrow night.

Genius Gahee stopped by my desk to chat me up and practice her English, and I must say that I’m worse at mundane conversation than my students are, and then to add a language barrier on top of it!  In the middle of our conversation, one of the students pushed me aside and took over my computer to pull up the following video.

In it are a few of my students.  The girl is Wonderful Winnie, whom I love, and who I would want to be if I had grown up in Korea:  One of the few girls who doesn’t have the ubiquitous straight bangs and long hair, she’s thoughtful, smart, got great taste with not one pretentious bone in her body, is a good friend to others, is not a whiney high-maintenance princess yet also not obnoxiously sassy, has great values, and is really down-to-earth.  I think she’d fit in really well into American society.  And the boy, who I can’t remember his name (even though he’s unforgettable) is a classroom disruption because he’s got personality for ten students.  Sometimes he gets on my nerves, but he’s really outgoing and also very smart.  So now he’s an internet star, ha ha!  I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up MC’g some Korean game show one day…and the boy who shows up most in the background is the only student who’s shown some real empathy for me, and who stops by my desk and has tried to teach me (badly, bless his heart) Korean words I already know.  He even gave me some souvenir money from his trip to Canada:  little does he know we can’t figure out how to get rid of the stuff fast enough in America.  He’s a very sweet guy.

In yesterday’s conversation class we played a game of passing objects around in opposing directions while repeating their English pronunciation. Power Pizza, bless his heart, took it upon himself to hand them to me and not let me take the objects until I could say them in Korean.  Love that boy.  In another class one boy begged me to dance at the up-coming school festival (Baekyoung didn’t have any school spirit anything) and  I almost considered it, but then I realized I’d need to be soju fortified and might scandalize the school shaking it for all to see.  At least once a week some student says they love me or that I’m beautiful, which is really good for this lonely aging, ever-widening old lady’s ego.  I think this is the first time I ever wished I was a teenager again.  I wish I was a teenager in Korea…

In the news recently was the story of a 33 yr. old female English teacher who had an affair with her 15 yr. old student.  She wasn’t arrested or anything because he was over the age of mutual consent (13) in Korea.  Sounds like another Mary K. Letourneau, as she’s already married with two kids.  So there’s much talk about where pedophilia ends and where adult responsibility begins and what should be done with her.  She’ll be fired, of course, but we’ll see if public outcry will bring about any change in the laws governing adults in positions of power or authority.  While I would never in a million years entertain anything like that, I kind of wonder if, like me, the only decent human response she gets here in Korea is from interaction with her students.

On one Korean dating site where I did not post my photo I’ve surprisingly gotten a lot of interest from surprising sources.  So thinking about actually daring to meet a couple of them, and I can only put forth an open mind that maybe they aren’t really losers and refugees and maybe they’re just people who missed the boat like myself.

ADDED: Just out of curiosity, I looked up my old school and it seems the teacher’s union there managed to achieve a victory over that almost testing scandal of last year!  And no more forced worship services!  I bet the Canadian guy that replaced me has it so much better this year.  And no Mr. Lee!

Unlike the rather grim militaristic putting soft cranky students through their paces that was sports day at Baekyoung, sports day at Cheongpyeong High School was a really festive occasion.  All the kids were dressed in all manner of trainers (track suits) and displaying all kinds of individuality and throwing themselves with zest into the physical competition.  When the loudspeaker was not blaring Kpop, a whole cadre of students were playing traditional drums (which was really exciting) and the kids were all chanting/singing cheers, and it had the raucous feel and fever pitch of a football playoff.

There was even a teacher relay race that I wished I could have participated in, but nobody told me about it or asked me to.  Since I haven’t joined the other teacher events I wasn’t told about this one:  I guess joining in is an all or nothing proposition.

The day before was my evening conversation class, and I attempted to discuss teen issues in the news.  I made the mistake of reading the articles to the first group, which was a total kill joy, but by the second group we were having a really good conversation.

One of the articles was about the discovery that interviews with defecting N. Korean students had watched a lot of S. Korean movies and dramas.  My students weren’t impressed by this at all.  I had to explain that it was against the law for them to watch capitalist influences, and that they had to do this in secret.  No response.  And then I had to point out to them that they can dream about travel and if they work hard enough, they actually can travel, but that for people in communist countries they couldn’t even entertain dreaming of travel.  A couple looked sad afterward:  I don’t think empathy for N. Koreans is part of their curriculum at all.

Another article was about a proposition by the Korean government to limit access to on-line games for six hours every day, during the hours students should be sleeping.  Another proposition was to increasingly slow down the games until they are rendered unplayable.  I asked the students what they thought of this, and they thought it was a good idea.  (recently a S. Korean died of exhaustion playing games and even more recent still a young couple’s baby starved to death while they were playing a virtual role playing game where they had to take care of a virtual baby.

I told them I was surprised they were all for the curfew, as American students would be up in arms if their government dictated what they could and couldn’t do with their free time.  “Oh!” One explained, “you mean freedom!”  Yes.  If a person wants to die playing video games, that’s their right.  But, I explained, I didn’t think American students were as obsessed with games as Korean students were, so maybe it was a good idea.  But personal liberties were carefully guarded in America, even in the face of some people being irresponsible.

One article comparing surveyed students in Korea, China, and Japan determined that Korean students were almost twice as unhappy.  I asked the students if they thought this was so and why, and they all chimed in entrance exams. But, I countered, didn’t Japan also have these entrance exams?  Yes they countered, but parents (makes pushing movement) much stress.  I don’t know, I said.  I heard Japanese parents were also very demanding of their children.  They still maintained that they had it worse than all the other Asian countries.

The same article also said that the survey showed Chinese students valued academic success the most while Korean students valued money the most.  I told them I was confused about this, because as a Confucian society I had read Korea valued academics above all things.  They said that all their parents cared about is that they made money and so they must all be doctors, lawyers, and CEO’s.  “Yes, but not everyone can be a doctor, lawyer, or CEO!” I exclaimed.  “Yes, but that’s how it is and they must compete for that,” said Winnie.  She went on to lament that this is why the school has no art teacher and why she can’t go to art school.  Two of them both said, almost in unison, “I want to live in America.”  Another student had tried to test to get into music school but failed.  These are really sweet girls who really love music and art.  But they are told they have to pursue money.  I suspect their children will be given more options than they have been given.

And so, I skipped the other articles talking about how 1 in 10 Korean students have considered suicide.

The last article was four years old and talking about how Korean students send 60 texts a day.  I went around the table and asked each student how many texts they make.  Tiffany pulled out her two cell phones (which she can’t put down in my class – grrr) and told me over 200.  When I gasped, she explained, “boyfriend.”  The other students were either at about 100 or they said they made very few texts because their homeroom teacher took their cell phones at the beginning of the day and they didn’t get them back until 9pm.  I asked Tiffany how much those texts cost and didn’t her mom get angry?  There was some discussion translating the Korean answer into English, and 300,000 won came up (about $280)  “You mean 30,000 won?” I asked.  “No,” she said, “one time it was 300,000.  My mom was very angry.”  It turns out the second cell phone is from her boyfriend so she is free to text him anytime she wants and he pays the bill…Tiffany is a 1st year high school student, so her boyfriend must be graduated and working somewhere…

On my way home every evening, especially the late nights when I have the conversation class, it’s evident to me that the students have quite a rich social life.  I mean, teenagers WILL be teenagers no matter what conditions they are subjected to.  They will find a way.  Even if they are in school for 12+ hours every day, you can bet they aren’t studying in earnest any more than American students. At most maybe 2 hours more prior to exams.  They are doing very little real acquiring of knowledge, even if they are warming a seat and flipping through pages.  So the way everyone is always counting the hours and comparing them to other countries just isn’t a valid comparison, because they are mentally shut down half of the time they are there.

Thrown together so many hours with a common enemy (math, English, draconian teachers, pushy moms and the college entrance exam) they are exceptionally close. During class and in between class there seems to much more joviality, horse-play, exuberance and comraderie than I’ve seen among American students.  I also see a lot of coddling of the students by teachers and parents.  It’s this I-know-we-push-you-too-hard so here’s a treat, I-know-we-push-you-too-hard so you don’t have to bother with this or that, I-know-you-are-obligated-to-do-this-or-that so I’ll ignore how rude you were, etc.  So they’re constantly getting this message that they’ve got it bad from the very same people making it bad.

Sometimes I think part of Korean students’ belief they are unhappy is in large part programmed into them.  Because I look around and they’ve really got quite a nice childhood.  And an extra long childhood.  An overly long, coddled childhood.  It’s going to be very very interesting to see what happens to Korea’s economic miracle when these students, accustomed to tuning out and sick of competing, enter a work world still run by absolute authority.  Korean society is depending on fear of not having money to be the true disciplinarian.  But on that, I’m really not so sure…

 

Yesterday I participated in a TRACK presentation at a school,

and it got closer to the message I wanted to deliver than previous attempts.  I guess I’m sorting it out and figuring out how to speak to Koreans in a way they will listen.  You’d think this wouldn’t be so hard, but it’s actually hard to pinpoint what will work.  Because it’s hard to assault someone’s belief systems, and the adoption issue shakes the very core of what Koreans have been told to believe.

So it’s really all about having them come along with you on your journey so they can relate to it.  You can’t hand them the end product and you can’t just give them a lot of statistics, and you can’t tell them how they should feel.  It’s not ideal that they feel for you:  it’s better that they feel with you.  It’s a symbiotic thing:  you have to realize that they are on a discovery process, and so you have to reenact your own discovery process.  Why should they be asked to digest and handle something faster and better than you did? It’s also important that they know you respect their intelligence and ability to question their own beliefs!  Which a lot of westerners here, adoptees especially, don’t.   But that’s stupid, because really, a lot of the things we have to say about adoption and Korean society just make logical sense.  And of course Koreans can be logical just like any person anywhere.

I think teaching into my 2nd year, where I have to write and design all my own lessons, is really helping me.  I’m not bestowing this magic gift of my culture on them anymore.  I’m not preaching a better way.  I’m not trying to show how cool my culture is.  I’m just being me and me is very different but in a good way.  On frustrating days, I wish I was more of a character and more of the me I’d like to be.  But most days, I’m just the same person my kids know.

I realize that the dark days always coincide with school being out or partially out, and these droughts of human contact always extend over a week in duration.  And the summer vacation of three weeks very nearly made me lose my mind. So during these times I don’t see humans and I only connect with them digitally.  So it’s a kind of a mad cyber cabin fever that happens to me.  It’s like being exiled on an island with no hope of ever having another person to speak to.  Because I really truly am deprived of any caring faces, (except the warm but going nowhere greetings of my students) and these “vacations” strip away even that.

But all it takes is a pleasant time with friends to set me right.  (photo taken by Clara with Lenn behind me when they came to visit two days)

It also doesn’t help that all my work is computer-driven.  Pretty much all my school work is power point presentation, image research, and writing lessons and all my volunteer work is on computer, and I’m sure just the refresh rate of staring at a computer screen for the last 15 years solid, non-stop, ’round the clock has pretty much done a number on  me as well.

So anyway, the weekend was a little rewarding.   There’s lots of TRACK stuff going on this month and school is back in full swing tomorrow.  There’s nothing I can do about having nobody to keep me company, and I hate how the work that is the most mind-numbing is how all my spare time is filled, but I’ll just try to keep busy, because the weight of work is better than being conscious of loneliness.  I hope I can keep them mutually exclusive, which I can’t for long stretches.  But maybe I can sustain 5 or 6 days.  But I should start planning for January now, where I’ve got six weeks off, so I don’t crash again.