I decided to make something similar to the Catsifier for tiny terror to suckle on.  This pillow has an elastic band on the back of it, as it’s actually one of those arm pillows students use to lay their heads on at their desks.  I found the nipples that come with the small pet nursing bottles to be too hard, so then I found this tourniquet rubber, which is more pliable yet also pretty robust, to sew onto the cat pillow belly.  I had it all in a cute pattern, folded on itself into little teets, but trial runs it seemed too fat, so I cut them in half and eliminated half of them.  Kitty got the idea right away, and was munching/slurping away, but then decided that earlobes were much, much better and made a bee-line straight for my head.  My poor ears are raw and actually have something like road rash on them.

Sorry this blog is turning into cat trials and tribulations – hopefully this, too, will pass…

Went and got another litter box, which she immediately used and now prefers to the other one.  It’s another vegetable colander, only deeper, so everything is contained really well.  Plus, I left the strainer part in, so the liquids can drain through.  Brilliant!

Only not so brilliant.  It didn’t deter my little vampire from peeing on the mattress pad and sheet I’d had on the floor in lieu of my destroyed bed.  I think she does this when she’s HAPPY, God damned it.

I shut her out of the living room all night, to give my poor earlobes a break, and slept on the couch.  Only she cried and flung herself at the door all night…

I don’t think big spaces was ever much of an issue (Rachel – my entire apartment would fit in your living room) and it was fine for a whole week there, too.  But now small spaces are an issue and she’s not having it.  It really sucks because I LOVE sleeping with cats – it’s the primary benefit of having them, in my opinion.  I need to find that bitter apples flavored spray and put it on my earlobes, but don’t think I’ll be able to in Korea.  I’ve been in a dozen pet stores, and the selection of stuff is limited or incomprehensible to me as it’s in Korean.  I did find something I believe might be an enzymatic cleaner.  I’ll try the pepper sauce I guess – how funny is that – if my raw flesh can handle it.  I also don’t know what kind of antiseptic to get/ask for/ be able to find at a Korean yak (pharmacy).  I really don’t know what to do about the bedding.  I’ve done everything all the message boards say to do.

Hell kitty is sleeping right now.  She’s had a rough night yelling at me to open the door.

One of my favorite lines from that movie is Mathew Modine telling Nicholas Cage that breasts are nothing more than overly swollen glands…that’s what I am, you know, nothing more than a walking swollen gland for my kitty…and she loves me/them so much!

So this morning, desperate for sleep and to no longer be attacked every time I sit down, I actually bought feral kitten girl a baby pacifier.  Hell, if she wants to suckle for the rest of her life, that’s okay, as long as it’s NOT ON ME!   She knew exactly what I meant by it, and immediately rejected it, started screaming, and attacked my ear with more ferocity than ever before.  Gnaw.  purr.  gnaw. purr. suck suck suck…

Great.

So I went back to the supermarket and purchased some finer grain clumping cat litter, hoping that will help with the peeing problem.  I also got a couple liters of vinegar to erase her deeds (couldn’t find baking soda anywhere) and then stopped at another pet store and bought a kitty baby feeding bottle.

Afterward, I stopped and got sollentang at the place I always go to and the owner was watching a documentary with her mom.  Mom must have a hearing problem, because she was always recapping what was going on for her.  It was about an adoptee who was back in Korea with her white husband and halfie child.  I asked her to confirm if that was an ibyeonga and I explained I was also ibyeonga, and that oh so familiar cloud crossed her face.  And then she started explaining in rapid Korean all about the show and I had to tell her I didn’t understand.  I did get that she had 8 siblings, though.  There are so many adoptees returning here, and so many of them I’ve never met through TRACK.  Imagine – not everyone contacts adoptee activists!  Anyway, this documentary seemed really nice.  Not a lot of tears and drama, and lots of scenes of the family trying to help her out.  The adoptee was really pretty and had a gorgeous boy.  Shows like this will help Korea accept adoptees just as much, if not more, than all the exploitation search shows and just as much as condemning documentaries do.
When I got home, I filled the bottle about 1/3 with water and put it in front of miss feral kitty’s face.  She KNEW what I was doing, gnawed on it, turned her face away, made a bee-line scramble for my ear and started SCREAMING in my ear canal, chomping away.  I’d pull her away and introduce the baby bottle and she’d just make a mad scramble back to my ear, screaming:  gnaw. purr. suck suck suck.  purr.  I just started cracking up.  I can’t stop cracking up! I have a permanent kitten-shaped earring hanging off of my head, and angry red earlobes.  I think I just have to stand all the time…

She’s been screaming ever since.  And I don’t think she likes the new litter.  I forgot to save one of her presents, so I’m going to walk to the garbage dump area now to retrieve some and personalize the new litter.

Only 18 more years of this to go.  HA Ha ha ha ha!!!!  Who’s the master, huh?

Anyway, that’s what I want to name the kitten

. . .

dot dot dot is 점점점 (jeom jeom jeom) in Korean, though my co-teacher always says mo mo mo (whatever that means) whenever she’s translating.

So far, only had one submission for the kitten-naming contest at my school, and that was for Nabi, (butterfly) which is the name of practically EVERY CAT IN KOREA. I think I won’t choose it, but will buy the girl pat binsu anyway.  (during oral exams today, this girl was so nervous about her test she broke out in tears!  I told her I could call her later if she needed more time, but she fought through it and delivered a perfect movie recommendation, synopsis, and was able to engage in real dialogue when I asked for details)

Wednesday I stopped by the local animal hospital to see about boarding her for 3 days, since my work is forcing me to attend an orientation in a week.  The vet told me that because she is so young and hasn’t had her vaccinations, that it might put her at risk of catching something from the other animals there.  So, I’m probably going to have to drag her across Seoul to stay with friends.

I stopped by the vet today to purchase a cat toy on a stick, and said vet made me sit and have coffee with him.  He seemed nice, and looked a lot like the unemployed democracy movement dissident ajosshi I had dated not long after I started working with TRACK.

On the previous visit, I had started to fill out paperwork, but had to leave the kitten’s name blank, so this time I asked him what he thought about 점점점 and he wasn’t very impressed and failed to see how clever I thought it was.  He suggested (like everyone else does) “Why don’t you name her Nabi?”  I told him that EVERY CAT IN KOREA is named Nabi, did he have any other suggestions? “How about Angelina Jolie?”  How ’bout you shoot me?  “Kim YuNa?”  Please  “Ban Ki Moon?”  But she’s a girl! And then he rattled off a whole list of Korean actresses.  To which I am smacking myself in the head – so Korean…All the points he had in his favor for being able to speak English started disappearing about this time…Anyway, he managed to wheedle out my age and profession and tell me his age and gush about how good teachers have it while he has to work from 9am-9pm and is on call and doesn’t have a life.   “Well, I have to go make dinner and feed my kitten,” I said, as I beat a hasty retreat.  Poor guy.

It’s been a really vexing last few weeks, let me tell you.  First there’s the French guy who’s all about me and we have one of those movie-like encounters and as we get really close really fast it turns out he’s all about adoptees because he has adoptee friends in France and he’s fascinated with the contradiction of us here in Korea, and then he starts seeking counsel from me about his Korean girlfriend…shouldn’t he have mentioned her before he kissed me?  Note to myself – just stop.  The only thing that’s real is people already in your life, in your circle, that you can know.  All else is artifice, dysfunction and games.

And then there’s the unreliable adoptee I’ve been conversing with for months who calls an hour and a half later than he says he will and as a result I end up missing the last train home and have to stay up all night by myself in Seoul because I can’t pay for a hotel room and am told the following day that he’d got caught up hanging out with KAD’s, “you know how it is.”  Umm, no, I don’t.  I never FORGET about meetings I make with people.  And letting running around with KAD’s on spring break over-rule being considerate is not something I want to know.  Then he wants to take me out to dinner to make up for it, only instead of meeting me someplace to eat, I have to go to where he is, and surprise:  he’s with a gaggle of adoptees.  And when the group finally disperses we go to eat, only surprise!  This is no special dinner to make up for a lost evening of intimate conversation to resume our months of talking.  No.  We are going to eat with another adoptee.  And they’re both grooving on talking about adoption the whole time.  Suffice it to say, I was a real bitch that evening.  But can anyone blame me?

Then there is the passive co-teacher not only not supporting me with classroom management, but instead undermining my authority ON PURPOSE to secure some favor with this gang of girls who subvert every class through blatant insubordination, and then when I asked her for help, this teacher gives me a snotty refusal IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS…besides that, I find out the good co-teacher will probably be leaving next year, so if I have to stay in Korea one more year, which I very well might have to ’cause it just makes financial sense, then there’s a good chance I’d end up with the passive co-teacher as my new handler/new HEAD of the English program.  Ugh. So maybe I have to look for another job again this winter.  Looking for work on two continents makes me tired just thinking about it.

Plus, little miss feral kitty has been a handful.  She’s got WAAY more energy than I ever imagined she could, and I can’t pet her without her turning my hands into toys to attack.  Granted, they are love bites, but it’s a drag I can’t reach out for her or pick her up or hold her or pet her without being held and gnawed on, and if she were to ever actually be grumpy, it could be really bad when she’s older.  It’s taken me a week to figure out how to diffuse this.  I just quit trying to pet her unless she was already tuckered out, and I dispensed with the store-bought toys and gave her lightweight small things she could bat around, and bought one of those feathers on a pole things.  If she tries to bite me I let out a loud scream and pull violently away.  I think she’s starting to get it.

I ride my bike home in the blistering sun every day after gulping down lunch to feed her, stay about fifteen minutes and then ride back to school.  You’d think the extra calorie burning would be slimming, but it only makes me sweaty and tan.   Two more months of this before I can leave her a full work day between meals.

I noticed she stopped rooting around and thought she was over her nursing needs, but now when I go to sleep she finds my EARLOBE and sucks it raw.  It’s like she’s a vampire or something.  There’s no way to dissuade her once she’s fixated on my earlobe.  I really enjoy having her sleeping next to me, so I guess I have to decide whether to shut her out of my room or wear myself out knocking her away or wear a hat to bed or just put up with it for the rest of her life…

She’s had perfect litter box skills from the second I brought her home, but today she peed on my comforter, and it’s in the wash right now.  So not cool.  I think this is the first time I’ve ever had a cat do this, piss in their own bed. Maybe she’s mad because I won’t let her attack my hands anymore, I don’t know…My last feral kitten was such a mellow purring appreciative dainty ball of joy, but this one is like the bad co-teacher’s remedial students – a little animal, totally self-absorbed and undisciplined.  I have my work cut out for me, that’s for sure.  Note to myself/note to you – adopting a cat that’s been around its mom or other cats is soooo much easier.

But then there are those times when she is sprawled out and my finger is giving her a between the shoulder blade massage, (she’s so small, the only way to gently pet her is with one finger) and she’s purring and in total bliss that it’s all worth it.  Good thing, because we’re stuck with each other now!  To be continued . . .

I indulged my kids too – just could never say no if they felt neglected!   Please forgive me if I don’t email & blog as much for a little while, as I figure out what to do.  I’m sure she’ll decide I love her more than the computer one day, or that the computer is boring and too hot…I totally forgot how much attention babies demand…I think the key thing is that their attention span is really short, (such as, stopping mid-play to take a bath, and then falling asleep mid lick…) so I just have to learn to break up what I want to get done into small sections when she’s preoccupied.

But it’s so nice to have some living thing want/need me so much, and to always want to be next to me, touching me somehow.  Everyone should have something like this in their lives.  Yayy for bonding with animals!

Meet the newest addition to my family

Thursday night my friend let me know that the kittens were healthy and available!  OMG I’m not prepared!  So that night I set out and spent the evening trying to figure out the very best way to kitten-proof the house, which was no small task, what with hair bands, art supplies, etc.:  my house was an extremely hazardous place!  So had to totally re-arrange EVERYTHING, especially the veranda where she would be spending the day while I was at work.  And then I realized I needed a place to put the art supplies, so the following day I had to travel to Chuncheon to see if there were pet stores and to get a small chest of drawers.

Well, the pet store nearest E-mart turned out to be a pet cafe instead.  These are places where people who love pets but can’t take care of them can visit and get their fix while sitting and having a drink.  It wasn’t very nice – not like the ones I’d seen advertised in Seoul, at least.  And E-marte and Lotte Marte had a pretty small selection dealing with cat stuff, and most of it the poor quality food and the kitty litter was all clay.  Not knowing whether she was box trained or not, I couldn’t take the chance of getting clay, as a new initiate sometimes will eat the clay and it’s so sharp it could hurt their stomachs.  Oh no!  So here I was, supposed to pick up the cat Saturday afternoon and still not prepared…

Fortunately, Chungmuro pet street opens at 9:30 a.m., so I was able to run to Soul and find everything I needed.  Let me tell you, carrying kitty litter, kitten food, a scratching post, toys, and a pet carrier is no small task.  OF COURSE when I met my friend and we got to the shelter, it turned out to be a pet store with everything I needed, but cheaper!  It’s this great chain called Pet Club and they have resident animal clinics.  And there are no pets on display for sale, the vet there just works through the public pound listings and with foster parents to help try and save some from death on the street or death through the pound.  So we’re thinking that many of the pets listed on the public pound pages are also assisted through veterinarians in this way.

This little one is just 2 months old and weighs a half kilo (just over one pound).  Bonding was instantaneous, as she was nothing but purrs the minute I took her out of the carrier after we arrived home.  I worry about socializing her, since I don’t have a lot of visitors and it would be inappropriate to take her to school, but hopefully I can take her out on walks a lot and maybe she’ll let others pet her.  She’s barely been weaned, so she spends a lot of time rooting and sucking still.  Her meals are about a tablespoon of food, 3 times a day, and so I will have to come home at lunch to feed her.  She thinks fingers are teets and if she was more powerful, my neck would have a ring of tiny kitten hickies all over it!

She’s also extremely vocal and wants constant attention, making it near impossible to get anything done, such as typing on the computer.  I recently remembered I had a scarf/sarong from Thailand (used as a halter top in their traditional dress) that’s about 6 feet long, so I fashioned a sling out of it and voila!  Hands free!  She likes it a lot – it reminds me of the kids when they were babies, of course, since they were always strapped to my chest too.  But after about a half hour she’s done and wants to get out.

I couldn’t afford nor could I carry a kitty bed (and they were all too big anyway), so I’ve turned her carrying bag on its side, put a towel in it, and taken my baby neck rolls to pad and prop up the sides.  Perfect!  It’s cozy, comfortable, smells like me, and will get her not afraid of the carrying case for those times when I really need to pack her along.

She didn’t evacuate forever and I was getting worried there was a problem, but today she used the cat box without prompting.  Thank God for instinct, as I’ve not one mess to have ever cleaned up.  The cat box is actually the tray to a Korean colander.   They are platter-shaped, and under-neath is a tray to catch water.  It’s the perfect mini litter box.

The toys are too big for her to play with, but she I have seen her play with a strand of my hair.  I’m pretty blown away by how small she is!  My previous experience with kittens was one about twice her age, and other than that it was with a queen who took care of her brood by herself.   She’s so little she can’t jump on the couch or get into anything.  I’m really glad I got one this young, though, and it’s nice to be tied down to something that’s not a chore or issues-based and that PURRS in return!  We’re going to go to  to the corner store now, so the human can eat something…

After another long day in Seoul, I took the last train back to my sleepy little town, hopped on my little bike, the cool damp air chilling my arms, the smell of soil, compost, and wetlands in my nostrils, and rode under the street lamps, past the cacophonous chorus of frogs, insects, and water birds that inhabit the rice fields, and sighed a big long sigh of relief.   So glad to be in the country.

I’m SO DONE with Seoul.  It makes me want to get on the next plane out of Korea.  And it isn’t because of, like the adopted person at dinner was saying about Korean restaurant servers, “I’m tired of being abused.”  (what?)  No.  I’m not done with Seoul because of Koreans.  I’ve felt misunderstood or judged by Koreans, but never abused.  No.  I’m done with Seoul because of adoptees. It seems like I can’t ever go there without running into them even when I’m not looking.

Don’t get me wrong:  I sympathize with my fellow displaced brothers and sisters.  But that doesn’t mean I want to talk about adoption all the freaking time.  I mean, give it a rest once in awhile, for God’s sake.  And yes, it’s been a rough few weeks – a romantic encounter that turned out to be based on my being an adoptee, and a separate brush with KAD’s that made me glad I’m old as dirt.

Back when I first read John Raible’s coinage of the term adoption fatigue, the words he uses to describe the phenomenon of adoptees always having to explain their unlikely existence to the uninitiated, I was thrilled to have a new way to express my irritation with being forced to play educator about something I’d never meant to be an expert about. But adoption fatigue in the U.S.  pales – pales – compared to adoptee fatigue in Korea, which is my term to describe always being forced to talk about adoption with adoptees.  Ad nauseam.  Seriously.

As an adoptee in America, I never had to tell my whole entire adoption story, I never had to explain about my birth search, I never had to outline my connection to the adoptee community, I never had to explain what level my Korean was at, I never had to explain so many things that one has to explain here: why I am here and how long I’m staying and what my politics are or … and I never had to listen to unsolicited stories either.  Come to think of it, adoption fatigue usually occurred when someone new came into my life, and then it was over until the next new person was brave enough or indifferent to my discomfort enough to ask probing questions.  But adoptee fatigue doesn’t just happen once – it happens repeat times, or maybe ALWAYS with the same adoptee, until they think they’ve got you figured out, or until they’ve exploited something useful for themselves, or until they’ve got themselves figured out.  And if they’re on the treadmill, then it’s the always…

In the beginning, it’s comforting to meet others who know what is incomprehensible to others.  That shared experience of abandonment and not fitting in is something that unites all adoptees.  And it feels like belonging.  For a second.  But how many times does one have to seek out and receive this comfort and validation?  After the hundredth time, it feels like being caught in a reverse world, another plane of existence, that destabilizes ones connection with the rest of society and warps the way in which we perceive everything.  Maybe that’s what others seek, to carve out some special place, but not me.  And as unique as this circumstance is, is it where we really want to dwell?  Forever agitated?  I want a normal life.  I had a somewhat normal life, only I was unaware of what was causing me pain.  Now that I’m aware, I want that life back, knowing it will be a richer, more informed life.  While I will never deny that I’m adopted, It doesn’t mean I want/need/should-have-to live in Adoptoland.

And so they come to Korea, to revel in this other world, this place where they can make jokes about white people and distance themselves from westerners (while behaving thoroughly western) and relish in what little Koreannesses they can grasp and claim as their own.  And push that adoptee button again and again and again and again and again and…it’s like going to an extended culture camp.  It’s like living in culture camp.  It’s all the incestuous, drama-filled, exhilarated to be far from home, manic, amplified emotions of camp.  Only these aren’t children.  Well, some are, even if they are post pubescent.  Okay.  Not camp.  More like Spring Break.  But the worst – the absolute worst of all – are the Socratic adoptees.  (You remember that guy – the one who glibly thought he was the only smart person in the world because he was smart enough to say he knew he knew nothing?)  Only sometimes replace knowledge with adjustment…

That’s why I’m so glad the adoptee friends I do have are beyond this extended culture camp mind-set.  I’m really privileged to have been a total mess here in Korea and to share it here on this blog, and to have genteel civil adult conversations about getting better, living in the larger world, and growing as people with them.   I may not have a posse I run with here, but the friends I do have are real and evolving people.  And we may talk about adoption-related issues, but it is calm, thoughtful talk, and our discussions are in the context of making peace.  We’re not destroying our livers and we sleep well at night.  We are sustainable.

To those few special adoptees:  Thank you for being thoughtful and mature.  If it were not for you, I’d be on the next plane out of here.