Just listened to the caller on the t.v. show several times. He says Ko Young shi, and then he says Ko Young shi Oh.

I think he was adding the Oh afterward because he forgot he wanted to say the full name.

Maybe my family name is Oh.

My contract says no working on Saturdays.

My contract says one way tickets from home will be reimbursed.  There is no stipulation that the one way ticket be a single multi-destination airfare.

The “Information Package for New GEPIK Teachers” describing further detais was not provided us at the time of signing.

So I have been told I must work two Saturdays a month, and I have been told I will only be reimbursed from Thailand to Korea, and that no “unnecessary” stops will be reimbursed.

I’m soooo weary.  I’ve been fighting Holt adoption agency for a year and now this.

Looks like I must find a Korean lawyer.

So KBS tv emailed and said the person they thought was my aunt wasn’t my aunt. They hope I find my birth parents…

I guess that means she’s some OTHER abandoned kid’s aunt.

Does this mean the man who called in was mistaken as well?

Does this mean they’ve quit investigating and I’m on my own?

Oh well.  What the hell.  My low expectations are paying off about now.  But I AM wondering what the hell I am doing here.

Oh – that’s right – I was unemployed in the U.S.  There were no jobs in my field in the U.S. Must remember that…this is a paycheck.  this is a paycheck.  this is a paycheck.  where is my paycheck…

My fellow English teachers are feeling like talking parrots with their prescribed lesson plans.  Meanwhile, I am putting my heart and soul into writing these lesson plans – but all anybody wants is a talking parrot.  So why do I bother?

What good is learning and speaking a language without cultural context?  They’re just words at that point.

What do those words communicate?  The answer is:  the basics.   And nothing more.  NOTHING MORE.

Yes, it’s been a demoralizing day.  My new computer wouldn’t play any audio on the speakers I bought.  Then, it just flat out died for several hours.  A teacher in my class for teachers told me I talked too much.  Another teacher who sat in on my class told me I needed to get the kids to talk more.  And here I was all proud that they had brainstormed rhyming words with me out loud and without raising their hands timidly.  And here I was all proud that I had gotten them all to say a whole string of words with out adding “e” at the end.  Like English-e.  I got them to understand that the last consonant in words like hate, late, weight, etc. was like a double consonant in Korean – extra emphasis, strong, cut off, with NO “e” or “uh” added at the end.  I taught them about American phonics and how our rules have been broken by other languages being added.  I told them about rappers writing lyrics on the bus, working to come up with mad rhymes, and how by the end of the bus trip they would have a song.  I told them the lists we were making was called brainstorming, and that the more ideas they wrote down, the more choices they would have when they were trying to be creative. I taught them how to rhyme sentences. I taught them how the placement of the word in the sentence affects the rhythm.  I taught them…She saw my face drop and then told me she was impressed by how much planning I’d done for my lesson.

But none of it matters because I didn’t have them repeating every word I said like a parrot.  It is as if there is no hope for anything even resembling expression or creativity or conceptual learning in this country.  One girl had a pillow with her.  That’s right – some of them purchase small pillows to bring to school specifically so they can nap in class.

Makes one not even want to bother.  At least Myung Sook likes my lesson!

I am supposed to have two co-teachers:  one for the boys and one for the girls.  I have NOT ONCE had a co-teacher show up for the boys’ classes.  And THEY are the classes where I could use a second person policing and keeping the kids on task.  And the female co-teacher only shows up some of the time.  This is in classes of forty students.  How the hell are you supposed to get forty students to all talk in English, when it takes three minutes just to convince them it’s okay to stand up?

After classes, a fellow English teacher brought over forms to me to fill out.  Seems that extra class I was pressured into teaching the VERY FIRST SECOND I went to the school the first time, and for which I only get paid abut $20 for twice a week, I am supposed to go and canvas my students to join, submit the sign up sheets, and then I have to submit a curriculum for it to the school system.  Never mind I have to teach 90 minutes to these exhausted kids each time and come up with another lesson plan – a longer lesson plan – TWO longer lesson plans, and then all this beaurocracy on top of it?  She brought me the forms – had to do it by flash drive because I’m not on the network.  It was in a Korean program, so I couldn’t open it on Word.  Had to do it again, only of course I can’t print it because I’m still not on the network.  This is really getting old.

After school and several cigarettes – screw whether or not women are looked down upon smoking in public – I should have equal rights to kill myself just like any man – I went to go purchase a phone plan.  I spend my last 1,000 won on a subway ticket so I can get to the only phone store that spoke English.  Only the English speaker is not there.  And he had told me I could purchase a plan with a free phone.  WRONG.  I had to talk by phone to an English speaking phone company rep, and as a foreigner I have to start an account with 80,000 won.  Even with my alien registration card and a bank account, even though Koreans can start a phone account with zero money down.  So I smoked another cigarette and then came home.  No won.  No phone.  Hating the world.

Tomorrow is the teacher’s class.  I am going to give them some meaningless parrotting to do.  So I don’t have to hear any more criticism.  Forget the language sensitivity class from Tuesday.  You just say basic English-e and never talk to an African American or Latino or gay person.  If you say negro and you get called a chink and then get hammered into the ground, you can just blame it on me.

On my hands, between the ridges of every finger print, in my nose, on my clothes.

EVERYWHERE

I think there must be some ailment called, “white lung,” somewhere.  Has to be.  You breathe so much of it in.  Every cord to every electrical appliance is covered with it, and dirt from the floor.  The cords, and the speaker wire, and the laptop, and my purse, and my shoes, and my pants, and…

Try to wash it off between classes, and your once white hands then become dried out, parched claws.

Chalk is evil.

Oh, and random thing.  Went to buy some gum today as an excuse to leave campus and have a smoke.  I didn’t speak to the woman as I got out my coins, but after I paid, she said, “thank you very much!”  That is THE FIRST TIME in three weeks that someone has assumed I am a foreigner, and it was weird and kind of amazing to me.  Maybe it was because I was a total slob today, given that I had no classes I didn’t wear teacher clothes.

or pressure cooker, that is…

.

Yesterday, I stayed at work a little late because some of the teachers teach an after-school class, and we were leaving for the restaurant together.  It was then that I saw the kids cueing for the lunchroom.  Only it was for DINNER.  I asked, Young-a when those children would go home.  Turns out the kids staying for dinner often stay at school until 10 pm.  And, she added, some of those kids then go to a hagwon for another class and don’t get home until midnight.  They then have to get up and be back at school by 8 am.

When do they see their families?  “They don’t,” was the answer, “It’s very horrible.”  So I asked if it was like that for her growing up.  She said yes, but that the competition is much worse now.   I don’t know how these kids can remember anything, staying at school for fourteen hours.  Then going to private classes for another two hours.  I don’t know how they can do anything creative or be kids or have any life whatsoever.   Real life must seem like a relief after this…and the main focus, which I am a part of now, is being able to speak English so you can land the best corporate job.

I’ve taken it upon myself to introduce some American culture to them.  But I think I’ll leave out the part about the American educational system.  That might make them cry.  I guess all I can do – if they are awake enough – is to try and introduce some more creative ways to think about life and problem solving, rather than memorizing flashcards for exams.  It’s not as if they are tied to their desks, and the lessons are not ALL totally dry, from what I see from the textbooks I’ve been sneaking peaks at, but there is this huge invisible machine pressing on all these kids.   I knew this would be disturbing before I left for Korea.  But the reality of it is sort of sinking in now.

The interesting thing is, they talk to each other and goof off much more than American students, who at least know to not offend the teacher and will be smart enough to write a note silently or something.  But here, I think if it isn’t announced that THIS WILL BE ON THE SAT’s, then they choose to use that now value-less lesson to socialize.  I’ve also been told that parents know they will be pushing their kids to the limit in school, so they let the kids run hog wild their early years.  And this is where the beating stick comes in.   So the respect for the teachers, which might have been confuscian based in an earlier day and age, must be replaced with the stick because the parents aren’t teaching the kids the social lessons they need out of guilt.  ?  Just the theory.  Well, actually, I have also heard that guilt isn’t quite it either.  It’s more that they believe SOCIETY itself will regulate the kid’s behavior at some point.  Kind of like letting a child touch hot things until they get burnt vs. modeling getting burned and explaining that being burnt hurts.

Did I mention culture shock before?  The other thing is, we are helpless to change this situation and we are also humble enough to realize that their culture has developed these mechanicsms for a reason.  At least, I must give them the benefit of my doubts.  Even though I am a byproduct of the failure of that system.  I have to also wonder if their obsession with power through education has gone past the point of diminishing returns.  I also understand that the American education system has been in constant overhaul for as long as I can remember.  And yet so many are trying to join it.  I’m trying to understand, but I’m totally at a loss.